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Here's to another year...

School has officially started, and to be honest, I am so glad to be back. It feels weird to be living with more people, and not to mention its feels like an actual home... but so far, I really enjoy it.

Classes started last thursday, and everything has gone pretty smoothly, no complaints here...

Me and the boy, have been doing well. I guess we are 'dating', and dating your best friend is definitely way different. You go from best friends, and you dive deeper into a more intimate level (I'm not talking about physically, ppl) I'm talking about emotionally and mentally. When we talk, what would have been three hours, felt like one. It's weird, but I'm open to all the possibilities God has in stored for us.

There seems to be so many things that will need to be done, aside from school. School, Youth group, Sunday school... I really hope I can pull all this off..I'm really happy that our priest sees that I have potential and heart. I'm also a bit afraid, and stressed because this is another big responsibility i am taking on. For myself. I just hope that I will be able to teach/preach something worthy of learning for the kids. As of now, nothing has been said about where or what class i will be in charge of... but I have to be obedient and pray that Father Nhuan has good intentions for all of us.

My roommate and I are finally back together. Its been really nice... I'm not going to lie. I even sleep in her room. Ever since we've been back our convos don't seem to change at all. I love it. If anything, I see it growing much more then what it was before... others perceive us to be two very diff ppl. I agree, but on a personal level we are similar in various ways. It's been really nice... and feels normal again.,

Life at the moment, has been pretty content. I'm not sad, but at times I feel like I am always in my own world... thinking of ways and what God is calling me to do. It's weird to think that I am spiritually growing on so many levels, and I'm very happy. But sometimes, I find myself struggling to live my life the way God has intended for me.Its like I'm lost, but then again I'm gonna cont to pray for guidance.

Least when I expect it.

My birthday was definitely my favorite of any year! My friends made it so special, every single one... gosh, why am I so lucky??? No matter how many times, i asked not to get anything... they all bought me something it was so nice! Everyone made me feel so loved... and on top of that the one guy i've been crushing on for a while now told my friend he likes me!! What tha....

God really works miracles... right when I feel good about life, being able to move on from my ex and start doing stuff for myself... when my last priority of all things he reveals to me that the guy whom I have been talking too for so long now likes me. Yes, I am happy as a school girl -____-" haha. I can't believe it. AHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lets see where all this will go.... hehehe

All of this random-ness

I am back from Kansas. This weekend was pretty amazing. I learned so much, and can't wait to apply it to my own personal life, but also to bring what I have learned into TNTT. The first day, meeting my teammates everyone seemed fairly nice... the girls were bit annoying I'm not going to lie... I got along with the boys way better. The whole weekend, we had workshops, activities, games and slept for less then 5 hours- so we were all pretty exhausted. I was super crabby, but I kept myself together. As I was there I have to say I learned so much from all the workshops. I took at least one thing back, but my favorite workshop was the last one... it was about personal life, and TNTT. The mentor who had taught us the lesson, basically told us that we all have our own living diary - facebook. What we share, everyone had the chance of seeing... what goes on outside of TNTT, should be kept that and left outside of TNTT. Because we are role models for our kids, as a youth group leader. I took this to heart, I know kids are slowly all creating there own fb, and what they see on my page is important. So its super important for me to set an example for them...

As I was there, I met a whole bunch of great youth group leaders. One of them, who use to be an engineer, left his job to pursue a teaching degree... I thought to myself "WOW" thats awesome... I truly commend him for doing that. I started to think about myself, and why am I so afraid to pursue something I know I love??? Apart of me still doesn't know for sure, but now, I just want to give it a try... I feel like if this is what God is calling me to do then Im going to do it.

Tomorrow is my birthday, I'm the youngest out of the bunch... so everyone makes fun of me and calls me 12 haha i like! My friend asked me how I have been doing personally... and I told him I feel very content with my life now. And it feels right.Right now, all i want to do is have fun, work hard and continue serving others... my roommate brought up this year long christian program that she is considering to do... sort of like peace corp. I'm actually looking into it now. I want to take all the opportunities that life throws my way... no more being afraid of leaving the nest. I'm even considering studying abroad if I get the chance and will be able to make enough money. I want to visit Italia!! Go to all the beautiful churches and gahh *drools. Why not? My focus in life isn't about myself... it's more about what God wants me to do... so I'm going to confide in him because I know he has a plan.

BOYS: my fav subject. Not going to lie, guys at camp were pretty cute. One of my teammates whom was from Oklahoma, well we made a really good connection. It was nice! I'm going to miss him! And my fobby guy friends! I just get along better with guys then gals... i swear. For the time being, no guy is in my life other then my guy friends that I hold dear to my heart. I love em all so much!This whole weekend, I've been learning so much I didn't really have time to think about boys... one of my youth group leader said to me, " Kathy, your pretty... I honestly don't think you will have a problem" so i'm going to take her word for it! If he comes a long, i'll know...

A guy, who is also a youth group member of mine that I met over the weekend, I think is hitting on me... it makes me sad because I really looked up to him as a brother/mentor, and I don't like him like that... *sigh* it's flattering but really ruins the relationship I want to have... which is to maintain a friendship. -__-"
I also learned about relationships at camp... I realized that expectations and standards are awesome.. because I'm not going to date any fella... I want to find someone who shares my love of serving, and is driven with what he wants in life.Till then, I'm going to keep on bettering myself so that whoever I meet can see how can I shine. Well I'll be back later with some more random-ness...

nervous!

This nervous ness, and excitEment is keeping me up! Or maybe its that extra shot of expresso, I asked for lol. Well, tmr is here.. And I will be heading out for cap 1 I am so nervous! I honestly don't know what to expect. My teammates and I finally communicated a little... It only took two days before camp... Lol. I hope I'll be able to bring some of the things I learneD this year as a hiep si cap 2... Bahhhh. Let's see what else... I'm a bit bummed at the fact that I won't be able to attend kic our church lock in. It sounds so awesome!! I'll def say a little prayer for the crew and everyone attending this weekend! Hopefully, the kids can get in touch and "Kic" it with jesus:) oh! There is a chance I might get a position as a pharmacy tech! A friend of mine is moving to a diff location, and so his spot is open... He called to let me know and itd be totally awesome! I am not excited for this super long car ride... But I'm sure it'll be fun! And our campsite loooks super nice! Haha I feel bad for campers last year who attended the one in michigan lol well I don't know what else to say except... I am so pumped to do this! Let's do this ! God is good! All the time!!! All the time! God is good!!!

So much too do... so little time...

Missouri was tons of fun. Despite the heat... I got to hang with my friends, and family.. it was awesome.Probably my fave year ever! He text me all weekend... and then I saw him Saturday for mass, we stood next to each other, and sat by each other during mass... it was really nice. I would fan him, and he would fan me.. and I don't know it was nice. I love our relationship.Talking to him makes my day, knowing he's has my back, and supporting me means a lot. I can tell him everything. Even when I don't tell him whats wrong... he knows. Damn him.. haha

Anyways, I leave for Kansas tmr! I am nervous, but excited! I'm not even done packing... blah... I'm excited!! I hope my teammates likes me. SIGH!! We have so much to do!

My birthday is coming up and gosh, I can't believe it. This year has been really rough for me, mentally and emotionally. But through it all, my friends have been so great. Especially, my church homies... its crazy. They love and care about me so much, and it makes me feel so loved! They are always there.. making sure im okay and I can't thank them enough.

Speaking of church... at MO, one of the priest knew who I was.. it was awesome! I have a rep! hahaha I would say I'm quite active in with my church. A lot of people know of me, or know who i am. It makes me feel really good. Every where, I go.. if my students see me they would run up and yell"HI CO KATHY!!", parents recognize me, and my gma old friends are always complimenting me on how great and pretty i am hehehe. My youth group leaders acknowledge how I am growing with my faith, and realizing how I enjoy serving others. All of these things, help boost my self esteem and give me the confidence to live my life TNTT style. I remember during mass, I was leading Father back to wear he sat, and I was walking through the crowd, few of the teen girls from my church were screaming 'kathy you rock!' hahah and i was like fist pumping my way back. I've been told various times that I am inspiration to my youths. I honestly, can't take any credit... because THEY are my inspiration to motivate myself in all positive ways. I have them to thank.. really. God is so good to me, and it's just something small that I can do. *sighh God is good :)

I need me some Vitamin D

It must be the lack of Vitamin D that we seem to be getting...
For these past few weeks, the cycle seems to ease up on me... I find myself in much a happier state, it has been real nice. My friends have even mentioned how much they see myself doing much better, and for that time being I really was. Things began to really look up, till Sunday. I rear ended a guy, on accident... it wasn't big, minor scratches and two holes...i got yelled at and basically all hell broke loose.

Trying to think positive is hard, especially when the atmosphere limits you to do so. But you deal, and things turn out. God will take care of me... I just need to continue to trust in him.

I leave for MO Friday morning, I was pretty excited... but now, it's just blah. I'm looking forward to doing some serious praying. I'm going to take advantage of this time, and dedicate to Mother Mary, and Jesus. Despite all that has happened, I owe my life to them... I return Sunday, and then the following week I am off to Kansas for Camp Training. I'm excited, but nervous. But Im going to go in with an open mind... so, we will see.

Last weekend, I got to do Love- N- Share, a non profit organization founded by my friend's mom. I like to think I'm a very observant person, I observe others, and who they are, and there personalities. All weekend, I really got to open up to my youth group leader, and connect with her on a personal level. It was really nice, as we sat down and spoke about our dreams and aspirations I got hit with reality all over again... I use to contemplate about my future work for the money? Or do something I know I'm good at? Hm... obviously the good outweighs the bad... if that is truly what God wants me to, then I'm going to do it. If i can serve him in anyway, then I shall. She brought up, that sometimes we are often afraid to leave our nest, and how we choose to stay in our comfort zone rather then soaring our wings... it made all that much sense. Life is great at home.. but what if I'm missing out on something else? I want to consider all the opportunities that come my way. ( Just a thought) The founder of Love N Share, is actually my mom's friend... she's a great lady. I truly admire her... and everything. Her daughter is my brother's friend, she's a really sweet girl... whom i think is trying to change herself for the better. HEr mom brought up some stories, and for that time... i could relate. I got to spend some time with her, and in some ways, I can see a lot of me in her. If thats true, I know this girl will grow up to be something great. Kinda ironic, when Tim left me, her bf broke up with her... I think deep down somewhere we knew and could really relate. Minus our age difference. I started to realize that if I don't want to dedicate my life just helping children, but to be able to touch the hearts of many youths in general. If I can, that would be a dream come true...

There's a lot of things, and certain people who really bother me, but then I think whatever. I have my own life to worry about... as far as the love life goes, for the most part I'm very content. Although, at times I find myself wishing I could have some of that affection or that guy's attention... but only time will tell. There's someone I have in mind, but he and I we are just I don't know.... we will see where life takes us I suppose.

An early morning

The past few days, I haven't been getting that much hours of sleep. He has been my mind... last night, i texted him wishing him luck on his MCAT. Can't believe today is the day. I really believe he is can do this, and hold so much faith in him. Yesterday, a friend held a 'study' party at this house that consisted of karaoke, which i got way too carried away. VERY CARRIED AWAY. My ex was there, and i didn't even care... that's how carried away i was. AS the day came to an end, i drove home and found myself randomly thinking of myself, and how i was in the past. I was such a dummy. Came home, washed up, and prayed with my fam. I then stayed on fb for a while... 1230 rolled around, and I took out my rosary and started to prayed for my roomie, and him. I prayed, and now I just hope God gets it. As I slept, all I could thikn about was him... I know he can do this. Gosh, he can do this. I woke up early today round 6 to do another set of hail mary as well. Now, I sit and wait to see...

I fasted for the first time this week. IT was very hard. But I had to keep in mind who I was doing it for, and who I was fasting for. I honestly, don't know how Jesus did this for 40 days. I had four slices of bread... and it never tasted so good. I guess, everything taste better when your hungry huh? But i managed to make it through the day. I hope to continue to do this... I want to do it.

Right now, there's not much on my mind... I just want to devote my life to God. I r am nothing with him I feel I have everything. I need to continue to living my life, the way he has intended for me. He will forever be my savior.

The time has come...

He takes his Mcat this weekend. I'm so nervous for him, but all I can do is pray. At times like these I wish i could be there, and give him my support but at the same time i don't want to be overbearing either.

I swear, I am such a great facebook creeper... that's how i found out. This is driving me nuts... it's time to talk to him. I feel it, i need too!!!!

Thinking back, on how he and I watched Patch Adams together, he told me why he wanted to be a doctor. Why he wanted to serve others... and now, he's taking that first leap by taking the mcats. Oh my gosh, this is too crazy. If he makes it, he's going to medical school!!!!!! Who knows, God has his life planned, lets see where he takes him. I'm going to be diligently praying for him...

God just give him strength!!!!!


I am so lame. -__________-

Rambling!!

It's been so long since I've blogged, gosh. I don't where to start or where to end. So here goes me rambling...

A few weeks ago, actually maybe last week... my family and I had gotten into an argument. We didn't speak, nothing. I was on the verge of leaving the house, and being on my own. I take the blame, it was my fault. I think when it comes down to it... i really don't show my rents any appreciation. I love my family, don't get me wrong. I just hate the fact that they are overly protective and not to mention their rules are very unreasonable at times. If only, i didn't spazz out so soon, and talked my way with them without yelling maybe things would have gone better... Things are better now. We breifly talked, I've been doing my best to stay a good girl at home cleanings, washing the dishes after they are done eating. I owe my rents a lot. And i feel like i've just been putting them through hell... *sigh* I'm going to do my best. Ask god for some guidance.. and better myself. http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=4576739489094127707

There's so many things going on that I am so far behind on... gosh. I've been praying a lot so God can give me strength to face all that's going on.. and I am doing my best. It's just stressful.

I've had a lot of problems... but my emotions are off the roof. A month ago, I talked to my best friend, Sarah. Our convo went from laughter to me breaking down, and hyperventilating like none other. I've decided to go seek help. So this fall, I plan on going to see a counselor. I feel like a part of me.. I'm so caught up in my emotions. It's so hard... some days I wake up feeling like shit.I act differently, and push others away. I don't know.. I feel like i can't control myself. The thoughts that i have... the things i think about are not okay. I'm just not emotionally stable. I need help. As hard as it is... I'm going to seek it. I over think too...

Camp ended a few weeks ago. IT was amazing. Despite all the huge ass bugs, the heat, and the bathrooms... I had an amazing time. The time I was there, I learned so much. As a youth group leader, your responsible for many things. There was never a time where I didn't recall not doing anything. We got there friday and went home sunday afternoon. The whole weekend, I was peeling like none other! So embarrassing. I have to say our youth group kicks butt! We are an amazing doan. I am so proud and hold so much pride in our parish! Our leaders, are great! Our kids are awesome! And as one body in christ we can do anything! Which was our themes, "we are one body". I met some awesome youth group leaders, that i aspire to be one day. It's so nice. Now we are on break till sept. which means no TNTT till sept! Wah....

July is quickly coming to an end.
-First week of August- Marian Days, MO
-Second week- Cap 1, Kansas, and my birthday
-Third week- School, and HT camp...
soo many things going on!

I'm going to start fasting every Wednesday.Why? Well, Jesus had fast for 40 days, and Wednesday was the first night before he started fasting/was in the desert. To think, that a man did not eat to sacrifice his life for the sake of children is truly admirable. Who are we to complain? My friend who has done it for a few months now, told me this... " Each week i fast for someone i love or care about" and that is so sweet. But at the same time, it builds character and patience. IT gives you and idea with what God has been through. He even brought up that Thinh had even fast for me.. somewhere along those lines I think the feelings are still there... who knows.

I finally had the chance to talk to my roommate last night. Although it was brief, it was so nice. She is truly my best friend. I don't know how blessed i am... she has helped me through so much, and i cna't thank her enough. Its so weird, how even though she has no idea what has been going on... she still manages to make me feel muhos better. Ahh i miss her...

An update on my life at the moment

Well it seems to be a while since ive last blogged. Why? My stupid brother had to upgrade his computer or whatever... So now I'm using Internet from the library, my phone, and my sister in laws iPad. Poop. I feel like there's so much to share but so little time... So il make I short..

> last week, nine hiep si's thang cap.. Aka became official leaders of our parish youth group. As excited as is was, I was also very emotional that day. It just made me want to become a ht all the more! I am iChat motivated to serve Christ!

>interning has been going well, I have been sick the past few days therefore I feel like I'm missing out on so much... So, I'm going to get my head in the game and do something about it.

>with camp coming up there has been so much to do! And I'm not even a leader yet... But it's my first time camping so this should be interesting. I still have to get my chau stuff together and pack!

>most recently I've been. Spending a lot of time with my youth group leaders sndi love it. I come to find something new and interesting about them tht I come to admire and aspire to be

>my friends have been pushing me to get over him.. But it's so hard.

So tired..

I find myself breaking down in moments of despair, stress, and unexplained emotions. My problems is I don't deal with my emotions. I suppress them... and when there are moments in life that stresses me out, or I am having a bad day, what I thought I had 'let go' or have 'forgotten' or 'put away" comes back to haunt me.

Ever since the surprise skype with my ex & friends... it left me shocked and in a way overwhelmed. Since this Monday, I've had a total of 9 hours of sleep, including naps. I've been waking up at 6:30, and going to be close to 3am due to the lingering thoughts that run across my mind. My body has not been helping either. I've been getting terrible migraines, feeling of vomiting, and my throat hurts. My body aches, and my back kills. I am so emotionally, physically, and mentally drained. To the point where I go to intern and my head is never there... I haven't focused on anything this week, and I feel like I am not doing what I was set to do. TO help these kids. I had gotten a call back, at DSW for a second interview. Thinking it was one on one- it turned out to be a group. Except with only 2 other girls. I was so exhausted, that I did not act myself. I barely smiled, my answers we all over the place, I had received no feedback nor praises. Which leads me to believe that I did terrible. I am so disappointed in myself. I did not act as, Kathy.. its my fault. For a moment I thought God was answering my prayers... but now, could it be my hard work, and patience are running down the drain?


I had a total melt down today. And to be honest, I've been trying to let my other friends know that I need help. But it's either I've approaced them wrongly, or I am not directly asking for help that I need. And right now, I feel like I need someone. That's why it's so hard to be away from my roommate. Living together, we basically confided in each other. I always knew who i could go to... I was so desperate that I was going to pick up the phone and call her. But to honest, that'd be very selfish of me. She's doing something great, and to make her worry... that's not fair.

I don't know. I'm so tired... tired with myself, my life. I'm exhausted. I don't want to feel. I don't want to THINK. I just want to be at peace with life/ myself.
God. Can't I just have that?

The beauty of The Sacrament of Marriage

As like any ordinary girl, I want to find... 'the one'. Two years ago, I was so blessed to have met a genuine guy, whom hearts/ intentions were beyond what I imagined. Not only did he have a vision to continue to spread the word of Christ, but to spread it to many youths, as well. His love and dedication for TNTT soared as I watch him work through Christ. I fell in love this guy. We started off as like many... wanting and dreaming of what could be...together. After a year, and a half what I thought could have been forever ended on October 24, 2010. My heart fell, and broke into pieces. I remember as we gave each other our last hug... I looked him in the eyes, and said, " If you ever need me, please let me know...I will be there for you"... as my eyes continuously filled with tears, I watched the guy I loved walk out of the door. Deep down my heart was telling me to run after him, before he was gone... but my head told me that I need to let him go, so that he could figure things out. Of course, I followed my head. It's been 10 months, and I am still not over him. They say just let time do it's part... I am trying. I'm not saying this is the guy I may marry, or that we will be back together or anything along those lines... but who knows...


Yesterday, I met up with my brother and future sister in law, to help her and her family take some photos. While we were at the beautiful Park, her parents celebrated their anniversary and wanted to renew their vows. It was absolutely breath taking... after 30 years, there love still grows each and everyday. As I stood there and took photos, i listened to what both has to say... and i was left in Awe. With today's society you find divorce ratings to run very high...it makes me sad. When you have promised each other to be there for one another through thick and thin.. that's a commitment/ vow that you have made with your spouse. The one thing I think couples don't realize is the fact that when it comes to marriage, there is a lot of working, and sacrifices that will have to be made. It's no longer, about YOU, anymore. When God has given you a spouse, and as you enter/ walk down those aisles, the beauty of it is that both man, and woman join has to become one. They live as the image of what God has for them together. Which brings me to my next topic... sex. Way back who knows when, your virginity basically was what kept you as value. Now, it's normal to have sex with the person your in a relationship with, or keep it as a way of life. But from what I've seen... sex does not keep a couple together if anything, it could ruin a relationship... it builds this wall of what we perceive to be 'love' but really is lust. I can guarantee, that the chances of you having sex on a regular basis with your significant other, will not be that long lasting relationship your hoping for, at least from what I observed. Because in the end, the emotions that you thought were so strong, over powers and physicality is what you are looking at.

For me, I want to save myself for marriage... because I believe that's the gift that I'll be sharing with my future husband. Yes, it will be very special hahaha. I am not perfect, but the beauty that this sacrament holds is extraordinary. Adding on sharing it with the person you love... Please do remember that these are my opinions and what I have observe... so do not get offended...

Maybe one day I too may be walking down the aisle, and receive this beautiful blessing :)

For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother
and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh,
So then, they are no longer two but one flesh.
Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate."
(Matt 19: 5,6)

I think too much.

Tonight is just one of those nights, actually this whole weekend I've found myself feeling really emotional. No, it's not that time. I don't know what it is... i just feel uneasy.*sigh...

Some thoughts:

=Ever since Thursday, I've been catching myself thinking about the kids. It's only been two days, and I already feel how much i am being impacted. I hate the fact knowing I have so much... great family, wonderful friends, beautiful home... while these kids don't have half of what I have. I am very thankful, but sometimes I just wonder why God loves me so much. What did I do to deserve all this.... I feel like i am doing nothing to help this kids, and though some tell me otherwise I don't believe it. I hate that feeling ...

- i have so many event to look forward too.. all filled with TNTT events!
YESS. As much as i enjoy youth group.. i also love the people too. They are like my third fam. I have my immediate fam, my college fam, and then there's tntt fam. I love what i do, and training to become. Next week, nine of the hiep si in my group will be getting the red scarfs to become leaders. As excited as i am, i wish i could of been one of the nine... oh well, soon. I've been asked why do you want to be a HT ( a leader) ? And to be honest, being a HT is something i want so badly. Why? I want to be able to able to help youths be a better Catholic, overall a good christian. I want to help them better themselves so that they can too better others. I want to be a living example of what they all can be in the future as well. that's why it is so important for me to walk the walk talk the talk. Some find it as though i am too hard on myself... but i have to be. I want to be a role model, i want to help better myself. to help educate youths about their Savior. I want them to see how faith can do great things for those who believe. I want to be that living proof for them to see..

- i talked to Tofu today... our convos never seem to get old. Despite all the times that i drive him nuts. I know he still looks out for me. Thats what friends do! Tonight we really talk though... about my ex, i told him how i felt and he understood. IT was just really refreshing, i guess. He asked me 'would you ever take him back' and to be honest ... i don't know... i just don't know.

Life at the moment is stressful. I always catch myself thinking about things i shouldn't. I mjust don't know... -__________-"

A life towards serviving others??

Ever since yesterday... I have been feeling very emotional. I can't tell if its that time of month... or just because I am thinking too much.

Thoughts are running through my mind.. and I don't where to start or where to stop. I've been thinking about my life a lot lately. I remember sharing with my friends, my plans for the future... after yesterday, and hearing all those stories... I stood there and look at the kids. I took a brief moment and imagine these kids being something more than anyone could have envisioned them to be... and with some support and guidance...they too have a chance for the future.It brought to mind, how these kids need someone... and maybe God wants me to dedicate my life towards serving others instead...

Ten years from now I can imagine myself finding my future husband, settling down, getting married, and raising a family... but after yesterday... I contemplated over the fact maybe these kids need me more... I never thought about marrying Christ. But could this be another form? I don't know. All I know is that I want to make a difference, and that i am going to do my best to give myself fully to God.

On the side note, I am missing him a lot. I always catch him on fb chat but never work the courage to speak to him... sigh.

Just imagine

Perspective Family, is a non - profit organization that is set up to help shelter families who are at risk. It's a program that provides supportive housing, case management, mental health services, parent education, and child enrichment programming. The kids who attend the program, are either recommended by their teachers, apply for Free Reduced Lunch at school, and if there rents are in need of physical/mental assistance. The perspectives that I intern, has a building that they own, near by the center, mainly for women. Most of the kids, who attend this summer program, live there. According to the teacher I assist, she tells me that the women get checked at 10pm every night, just to make sure that they are staying on track, and not relapsing...
I've been interning at this place for only two days, and I've already started to become attached to some of the kids, already. So soon. At the same time, I've been observing them, as well. Like which ones need more help in math, which is having troubles in reading, and just opening myself up to the kids in general especially the ones who don’t speak or is bashful. From my experiences at Giao Ly, with 42 kids, alongside, TNTT teaching, I thought it would be much easier with only 14-16 kids. But this is way different. From what I've seen, the kids are all very different, but different in their own kind of way. You'd think at 8am, they’d be more peaceful and quiet...well, not my bunch. Within one hour, I repeatedly had to remind some of them to keep their hands to themselves, no throwing stuff animals, it's not nice to bully, no saying 'shut up', or its time for a 'time out'... it get very frustrating, I’m not going to lie, but I just remind myself, this is God testing my patience. Therefore, I will act in a calm manner, despite all that is going on.
Today, during recess, I was talking to Mrs. Kugglin (the teacher I assist with), and she had shared some very heartbreaking stories with me. Being so sheltered all my life, I couldn't believe it. It left me pondering, all day long. When we were younger, we would ask each other... “What does your dad do", but in these kids cases it would be normal to ask... "What did your dad go to jail for". Now imagine an 8 year old, converse with his/ her friend on how long their rents were in jail for... or why they had to be sent to jail. Imagine if your mom or dad was an alcoholic, or a drug addict... and they told you that they had stopped, and won't ever do it again for your sake. But you find them, relapsing. Continuing the same cycle, again. Some of the kids who go there have been abused, or sexually assaulted. In some other cases, their mother's have been, and so they can't stay in the same home for years, finding themselves consistently moving here, and there. Just imagine what they go home to each night... How can they stop, and for some parents I know they too love their blood and flesh, as well. They just need the help, and assistance. This is what this program is giving them, another chance. Another life. Most importantly, HOPE. Hope for themselves, hope for their children, and hope for their futures. It's just sad to the kids, paying the price for their actions.
As I mentioned earlier, each of these kids all are different, if you met them you would probably start by differentiating the 'bad’ and 'good' ones, and would most likely only surround yourselves with the 'good' kids...but to me... all I see is this halo that shines above them all. Even though, I see them yelling at one another in times of anger/frustration, or slamming the doors when been told, ‘no’. Children are not what meets the eye... they act the way they do for many reasons, and when it comes down to it... they just seek for a little of your attention, and some that unconditional love that they don't get at home, or they act out because they see the kid on the other side acting out for the heck of it. I see potential in each and every one of them. But With a little guidance, and support these kids could become something more than what we think or envision them to be.
As I drove home, I started to reflect on myself-everything. I started to realize the little things I took for granted... my room, my things, and just my life. I have closet filled with nice clothing, a beautiful home, everything. And yet, I find myself always urging for more.*sigh* But what I really took away from interning today was hearing what Mrs. Kugglin said, “Even though these kids witness their parents doing all these things, they all hold this unconditional love for their parents because that’s their family” . It got me thinking how sometimes we as kids resent or take our parents for granted on so many situations, and we often forget the sacrifices they have made to given us the life we have. Heck, just thinking about my mom giving me life is already so much! If these children can put aside the mistakes their parents have made… then we can too.
This brings me to my conclusion… only interning for 2 days with no pay. I can see how this place has affected me, already. Imagine the next month and a half. It breaks my heart, knowing that I am going home to this stable environment, while these kids are unsure of what tomorrow may bring. So for the time that I am there, I’m going to do my best to assist, and help these children. I’m going to push myself, and continue to pray for patience and understanding. And even though I have to get up early, and may encounter traffic (which I have both days), and have to deal with the chaos that surrounds me… I remind myself:
"For the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life a ransom of many"- Mark 10:45
For he had serve us, and this is my chance of giving back and serving others… even if it’s something small, I hope that I too, can be of some help to these children.

Reality,

Today I had my DSW interview, praying much as I did... I was surprised with a group interview. Along with not only myself, but there were 7 other girls, whom all qualify for the job. Kinda. To be quite honest, of all the others I felt that I could have done much better, but I don't think i did terrible. It was sort of annoying, because everyone wanted their answer to stand out... in which, i did too. It just wasn't my nature to compete with others except when I had too. As I sat there, I observed each answer in my head... and to be honest, everyone's answer was good. But if I had to narrow it down... I'd say I'd be in the top three haha. When it comes to meeting new people, or strangers. I'd like to think I leave each person with a good standing impression of myself. I would say that I am a person filled with compassion, and love. If I could give myself to serves others, I'd do it in a heartbeat. For those who know me, know how strongly I feel about serving others. That is my calling. After today's interview, I realized life is not a bag filled with candy... but a bag filled with miscellaneous items. You never know what it is, you'll pick or see, or taste. I don't know,how I did. all i can do is wait.. and hope for the best.

Next thing that's on my mind is... I remember working for the first time ever. Was at my schools cafe. I've never made drinks nor had a real job ever. ASide from making drinks, meant assisting customers, dealing with complaints etc...but working had made me learn to socialize, and open my mouth. I know there are some shy people out there and all... but reality is.. if you don't speak up, then don't complain. I've learned that if you are frustrated or concerned, you need to speak up. There's nothing wrong about stating how you feel, or what's running through your mind. And when it comes to something you feel strongly about don't talk about how it has changed or isn't going as you planned or want it to be... do something about it.

Which brought me to another thought... on how much i am missing my roommate. It's so weird how tow completely different people can become such good friends. I've been so blessed, and thank you random selection! Living with her for a whole year, i've been super honored to call her my friend. In some ways, we are a bit a like. I guess, I just miss having someone there for me all the time. knowing what is needed to be said, or when to give me that brutal honesty that i'm sure no one else can handle. It's great knowing we share the same goals for life, and how our hearts seem to be heading down in similar paths. She's currently at camp, and I'm keeping her in my prayers! Hope you know that i'm always here for you!! Love and miss you dearly!!!

The Future

Lately, I find myself pondering of my future... and how right now the anticipation killing me. Call me crazy... but I can't wait till I get married to my spouse, and have kids, and most importantly becoming a mother. (cliche? I think so.)But reality is, I am no where near that point of my life! Hey, I can dream. Any who, yesterday I was getting ready for youth group, and my phone rang... it was DSW calling for an interview. I was so stoked! I was dancing like a mad woman! Oh, not to mention, I went to the dollar store to get m mom a card, and the cashier guy complimented my eyes. haha... Which put me in a really good mood, for TNTT. Every weekend, I get to attend TNTT, and I can say whether boring or fun I always walk away with something that I've learned. Yesterday, was special for me... Father Nhuan had a talk with all the Cap 2 kids, and I am so excited for them all to be HT's. As for me and Toan, we will be going to level 1 training... this August. So nervous! But at least he's there with me. That boy, means so much to me. Words can't describe how blessed I am to have him in my life. I remember he had the chance to sit with my class last year, and how i thought otherwise of him... never even once, did i find him attractive... till this year, he ended up teaching with me, and one thing led to another I developed these feelings for him. In some ways, he shares common characteristics as my ex, and the weird-er thing is that they both are becoming good friends. -___-". He's probably that one person, who knows so much about me. He's the only one who can see me sad, when those around me can't tell a thing. When we are out, he's always calling me or texting me to let me know where he is, or making sure I have a ride. Everyone thinks he and I should date. But there are so many pros and cons to everything. I am still loving my ex, and I am not over him. Toan is one of my best guy pals, and right now, I don't think anything can happen... besides, the relationship we have right now is so special already. If it got ruined I would never let myself live it down. Who know what the future holds. I saw my ex yesterday, and during the meeting as he and Chi Lisa went over the camp schedule for camp, I am just proud of him. So proud of him, the encouraging words, and he's thoughts and everything. We sat near each other, and tofu had to sit next to him too... therefore, I couldn't help but look his way. Then we brought up the topic of health, and someone said something about a knife... and he said, we would need it to open up something something, and who laughs ? Just him and I... -____-" lol. When the meeting was over, we had to put away chairs, and I had noticed he was trying to carry four, but it had looked like they were going to slipp out of his hands and so, I went and helped him. Hey, I was helping him out. The meeting went super well, and got me pumped for what the future holds for me as a HT. :D

Today, Father Hilary is leaving our parish. Of all the Father's that we have had, I can say that he is def my fav of all! I've never sseen someone so dedicated to what they do, and always putting the well being of others before himself. I admire him so much, and I hope that wherever he is in the future, may god bless him. It's a bittersweet goodbye... really. I walked into church, and sat there all by myself. It had appeared that someone was in the confession room, I don't know why... but I was curious as to who it was... as I sat there waiting the person who comes out is my ex. And it literally, startled me. haha, I hope he didn't see that.. haha He was wearing my plaid I bought him, along with his express cardigan that so did not match well. Just FYI. Driving home, my gma mentioned how his mom is always asking why we aren't together anymore, and how she will do whatever it takes to make me her daughter hahahahah. oh gezz. Along side her, her friend whom is also my mom's friend wants to do the same thing!! As flattered as I am... there's nothing I can do. Everything is all in GOd's hands. But it made me realized how much I had missed her. Thinh always told me he was a mommy's boy, and he really is. But his mom has been through so much, and I myself have seen it. Like I say, everyone has a cross that they are carrying, all we can do is pray for a stronger back. Even though he and I are not together... there's not a week I don't go without praying for him and his family. I just hope everything is okay, and that they are doing better. They will always be in my prayers.

Well, that's life at the moment...ta ta for now.

What would of been two years...

Today, would have marked my two year with Tim. Well, if we were still together that is... the weather just so happened to be the same as it was a year ago. How sad. Of course, i sit and linger on the fact that we are not together, but then again, I know I need to move on. I just want to be stronger, and learn to put my heart else where, but then again, small steps. I couldn't help but not think about him, of course I wish things weren't the way they were... but what can I do. I know, that it's probably my fault for putting in no effort, but I am so afraid too. I just don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to feel betrayed, or go through another heart break because quite frankly I don't deserve it. I guess the next step is to learn to let go... *sigh*

Dreams

When I reflect on the person that I am or hoping to become... I realize that I've changed quite a bit. I'd like to think that change is for the better, and that I'm becoming something worthy. Some may perceive me to be this strong, narcissistic girl... but deep down, I am a girl with many flaws and a low self esteem. I put on this front that I am strong, and "words can't hurt me" but when it comes down to it... I'm as sensitive/ overly emotional as it gets. Throughout my life, I've had many family members and friends who have looked down on me. My cousin once said, " You'd be lucky if you got into community college", and I was only in the eigth grade. With my parents constant bickering, that I should be a doctor, or always comparing me to my cousins, never helped. I never felt that I was good enough to be anything. College rolled around, and i started to actually live my life- myself. I came to terms that sometimes what I want or myself, isn't what God wants for me. I'm not good at math, nor am I that amazing at science. With time, I felt that my calling was to become a teacher. I became so determined that I found my career. The one I loved, and wanted. I kept this vision in my head, until people started to doubt what I wanted. It really killed me... not to feel supported but instead second guessing something I love. My aunt called to tell me how she thought I was wasting my money to pursue a career that will make nothing of myself, or in other words it's the "easy" way out. My heart literally died. I want to think what I am doing is something commendable that most people can't seem to do- follow their dreams. But gosh, to hear that was rough. I cried, and moped.... I'm a bit worried, but I'll figure something out. I hope.

Tomorrow, I go in for orientation at Perspectives. I am excited, and nervous. I hope to make some friends?? The interview went great, and I'm pretty sure, I wooed the interviewer lady. But let's see how this goes... who knows.

So many events coming up for TNTT that I am super excited! I seriously can not wait.

Well. That's life at the moment for me.

Music

Your just someone I can't forget....

When I think about it... I don't know if I can forget about someone who has been apart of my life, and not to mention inspired me to be a better person. I can't seem to fall asleep, because he's running through my mind consistently. Lately, I've build trying to build m relationship with God, and I see myself growing and thirsting to understand his love for me... I can't complain. But at the same time, I can't help but not think about my ex. It's silly, but true. The little things, that he does... like my status, chats me, says to me... makes me get all nervous and jittery. When he speaks my face can't help but blsuh I love him still... I don't know what to do or how to stop. It feels as this is real, and won't fade but only stay. I wish I could move on, and pretend that nothing happened but I am not one to be like that. He was so great to me,....

My life, at the moment ,

Summer has officially started, and for the first few weeks it's been quite busy, for me. I am taking a breather, doing what I do best. Being lazy. Poop. For the first few weeks, I had a little church things I had to do, and then it was the Ephata retreat. The is probably the one retreat, that I have been looking foward to all year! There's just something so special, about it. The whole process the kids go through within three days, is truly life changing. I was fortunate enough to have been able to attend all three days. I don't know why, but gosh, I was too touched in so many ways by the holy spirit. When the feet washing came, I was so nervous. It wasn't even my confirmation. As I stood out at the door, I heard Anh Tam share his story... for the first time. I found him to be so admirable to come out, and share. It made me realize that my family may not be perfect, but we are family. Blood and flesh, and no matter what, that will never change. It will only stay consistent. That whole day, was very emotionally draining... I witnessed these kids being touched in so many ways, that i could feel it. After bawling so much, I started to fold the wet towels, and as I stood there, I stopped. I told my friend, I'm going to run into chapel for a bit. I got in the room, and kneel down to him. I just cried, and talked to Jesus. It had been so long. But it felt so right, as I cried the happiness, and sadness that I had been keeping inside for so long, I just asked him to watch over me. I told him everything. and how I was sorry for the things I've sinned. Everyone made fun od me for walking out with a red face lol. Anyways,  I don't know, but it was special day/ That's all I'm going to say... that weekend I had met a few new people and had gotten closer to a few. Wow, they are so amazing. They are always telling me that I am their motivator, their inspiration, but I can not take any credit.. because they were the ones who motivate me to better myself. I caught myself sharing some of my painful moments, and hearing and opening my hearts to others. It was amazing, so relieving. After the retreat was over, I came home and recieved all these kind messages from my friends and even my ex. It was so sweet.

I hear that my ex wants to talk to me again. After 9 months, and he wants to talk. A part of me says,  talk to him because deep down I want too, but then again, my feelings for him is like we just met just yesterday. So he did chat me, and we spoke briefly. It was nice. I saw him at jenny's confirmation, and as excited as I was to be there and to be her sponsor, I was excited to see him. I wanted to hug him, and let him know that joy I was feeling, how amazing it felt to be someone's sponsor. But I couldn't. I had to contain myself. I feel like there are still things he is holding back, and has not said to me. Then again, I feel the same way. I don't really know what to make of things, or what I should think. I'm just not going to hope on anything, and stay opened minded.  Blah, I don't know.

Becky had been having troubles, and she came over to my house . It was nice to see a familiar face from school, and all we did was talk.  It was great to just have one another, and talk about everything. That's the one thing, I am so blessed for- friends. Everyone, has been has too great too me, and sometimes I feel like I don't deserve the,, at all. No matter how far, or how close I know that they will always be there for me. So thank you, guys. Thank you for being so wonderful!! I love you all!!!



 

One year down, and more to go...

My first year of college, is done and over. It was definitely, an unforgettable experience. I've built many friendships, and even lost a few. Gained knowledge and understanding, and opened my mind to newer things. There were ups, and downs but in the end... it is what it is.


Throughout the year, I've come to build strong friendships with a few girls at my school. The bond that we've created truly is special, and the girls I've met have def, impacted my life. I hope you girls know that I love you all! Thank you for everything you have done for me. It means the world, to know that I have your support and happiness towards everything I do. 

I dated a guy, for a year and half, till this day I still feel as though he is the one for me... it's been rough, and hard. Till this day, i am still trying to heal, and i am not over him. But I have faith that God has a plan, and things will be okay. IF we are meant to be, I know we will have a chance again. I do. 

 Saying goodbye to my friends was so hard, and to say goodbye to my roommate was harder. Living with her everyday, and then having to stop was blah.But she knows how I feel, and Sarah thank you for everything you've done for me. I truly appreciate you, and everything! I think it's really weird, and very special  that I got to meet someone like my roommate. Words can't express how much I love her, and sometimes I also want to shove a sock down her throat. Not literally of course, but she has helped me to grow, and i couldn't have done it without her!

Summer is here, and i want to be proactive as possible! I recently got an email to go in for an interview with this program called perspectives, and i am super excited! I also am planning on doing the Big sister, big brother program as well! I hear its really rewarding, and I can't wait! Hopefully, things will plan out as I prayed! Recently, my best friend had share that she felt god was calling her, and all i could say was ...'wow'. I know that everyone has a calling, but to have God call her specifically is very special. I knew there was something different about her, when I first got to know her, but all i can say is... girl, just keep opening your heart, and if he is truly calling you...be prepared. Frankly i think she willl do great in all that it is god has set out for her to do. Lately for myself, I too , have been focusing on God more. I realized that I want to learn so much more about what God has to offer, and how blessed and lucky i am to receive his unconditional love. I want to become less boy crazy, and "

"A womans heart must be so into God,a man must seek God to find her"  

that's what i want, I want to give myself to god, before I can really think about a significant other. AS for now, i just want to put my focus on something more than myself, but to help others. So here is to 2011! yay!

I'm trying to move on

"I’m trying really hard not to cry over you
because every tear is just one
more reminder that I don’t know how to let you go.
It’s only after someone is gone do you
realize how much you miss them…
My friends are always telling
me to move on, to give up.
But why? Why should I?
They don’t see you the way that I see you.
They don’t look into your eyes and see the world.
Why would they understand?
They can’t possibly imagine what
it means to look at your best friend
and see all their hopes and dreams come true.
I wish for once, just once,
they could walk a mile in my shoes.
But they wouldn’t need to walk that far,
they would just take one step and suddenly,
they would take back every bit of
‘getting over you’ advice they had
ever given me and realize you’re my life,
you were meant for me,
and that moving on or giving up is simply not an option.
You never really stop loving someone.
You just learn to try to live without them
I really think there’s a reason that I love her so much.
Like something is telling me not to let her go.
Every time I follow my heart… it leads me to her.
I mean… what other explanation is there.
Why is it that she is all I can think about?
Why is it that no matter how upset I am…
I see her and I can’t help but smile?
Why is it that when she smiles at me…
I get that feeling in my stomach?
And even when she’d broken my heart,
and hurt me as much as anyone could ever hurt me…
when she lied to me… and I hated her…
why then did I still feel those same feelings?
Answer me that, and then I’ll tell you
why I let her hurt me so much.
Don’t keep running back to the
one person that you need to walk away from.
If I can’t have you, at least i was able to know I had you.
Someday you’ll know, that I was the one for you.
No one realizes the beauty of love, until you lose it.
If the human body can live with food and water,
then why does it feel like I can’t live without you"

Life at the moment

Finally, back to school. With less than three weeks left, and its all winding down very quickly. I am tired, and quite honestly sad that my first year is over. Easter Break was very relaxing, and not  mention filled the church events. I ended up going to all 4 services, and I enjoyed each and every one of them. Sitting with my friends, and my family. It's been tough, because I saw him. I miss him so much, and it seems like i'm going through these withdrawals . I start to blame myself for there is no friendship. I feel like it was because of me, that pushed 'what could  of  been' away... and now, i'm paranoid, and my emotions are fucking me over. (excuse, thy language) Being able to be back on fb is nice. I feel like i am no longer an outcast anymore, haha. But at the same time, it gives me the excuse to go to his page, all the time. He's probably stressed out with all he has going on, but I believe in him. As for the rest, God has a plan.

I've been spending quite some time with my church friends. I like the fact that I'm not always hanging around the same group of people all the time. I like it. I feel like these guys will be my friends forever, and i just feel it now.
I can't speak to them about every aspect of my life, and I feel like they will be able to understand/relate due to the fact we are so similar. On top of that, my friend Becky and I have gotten really close as well. Heck, she's one of my best friends here. Technically, my other 'twin' or so I claim. It was good being able to talk to her. It's funny, cause everything that's running through her mind, or when we both are really confused,  we get to share all those moments together. Which makes it fun. I know how badly she wants to get into the U, and just start the life she deserves so I'm praying for you Becky! Follow YOUR dreams, don't let people tell you what you can or can not do, because in the end.. YOU are your own person. :)

Lately, I've been reevaluating myself. Like they say, "you are your worst critique"... any who...I don't know why, but it's like I'm not content with who I am at the moment. I feel I could strive so much more to better myself. I start of think about what it is I want to do with my life, and as of now I'm feeling education. At first I thought maybe medicine. How great would it be to save a life, cure those who need it, or be able to help someone every single day... it's not that I can't do that through education but I do get a different vibe. After reading a friend's blog everything she had written made sense. I do know why I want to be teacher. I know. I want to be able to give these the assurance that I  believe they can do anything. I will say, I am not the smartest little light bulb out there, but gosh, I know the hurt of having no one believing in you, or thinking you will make something of yourself. Well they are wrong! I know what I am capable of, and to be quite honest, I know what I am good at. My heart is telling me to step on the gas, and go forward with my decisions.

Another note before I conclude... lately I've been getting these negative vibes. People are very mean, and really need to watch their jokes. It's not as funny as they assume it to be. It's quite rude. I am very blunt, and real but it's not to the point where I will go out of my way to confront someone of something very little. If they cross the line, I am not afraid. I tolerate many things, and many people, but when you go to show your true colors, then think again. Sometimes, I will never understand the way people act... be real, be you.

I can't do it anymore..

It's been 7 months, and honestly, I can't deal with this anymore. 

EAsTer BREAK! (EAT BREAK)

Easter Break, is finally here. I can finally relax, for now! Lets see... last night I stayed at school with two of my friends. We went to the mall, and I found the cutest pairs of shoes! I wanted them so badly, but they were 32.80. Darn it. Instead, I bought a pair of gladiator for 10 bucks. What a steal! I think so. Afterwards we head back to school, and Sarah and I hung out in room for the rest of the night. We watched PS I LOVE YOU, and about half way through the movie it paused, and Sarah and I ended talking till 2 in the morning. That's probably the one thing I love about my roommate. The fact that we can talk about everything, and for a while it was really nice. Yeah, she's my best friend, but at the same time she's like a sister I've never had as well. It was just really good bonding time. We talked about everything. It was brought to my attention that some people may view me as narcissistic. At first I was a bit offended,  but I'm okay with it now. I feel like when it comes to certain people, they view me as this girl, who think she's better than others, maybe thinks too highly of herself. Truth of the matter is I am not like that at all! I'm quite good at reading people, and just by the way people act I know the person they are. I distance myself away from people whom are selfish, or stray away from people who don't know what respect is. I try to surround myself with positive and admirable people. There are very few people who can read me. I'm not just an open book. I am well reserved, and I like that. Those who do know me, can say otherwise. It's a shame people perceive me like that. Because if you really got to know this girl, you'd be surprised. I don't need to explain myself to anyone,really. Last night Tofu and I talked we brought up relationship issues, and how men keep their relationship going, when they are at there 'lost and confused' staged. WTF, for a while I was frustrated with him and his reasoning that I wanted to punch someone in the face... it made me realize that I don't think I'll be having a man soon. As far as liking Tofu goes, right now, I'm having doubts. Not because I'm afraid to start a relationship but the fact that he's just not ready to be with anyone right now. I can understand that, and I want to try my best to get over my ex before anything.

I accidentally told him..." I'm glad not all guys are like you guys", and then felt really dumb for saying that. He then stated that it was a very ignorant comment. I didn't say much after. Maybe it was wrong to even start that convo, but at the moment I was so heated I couldn't contain myself. Whatever, it is what it is.Boys are so dumb.

Tonight I'll be going to mass, and I am excited. Can't wait for Easter too. It'll be nice since I'll be at home with my family, and that's the best part.

Listen to you heart.

After reading Becky's blog about her talking about the movie 'Listen to your heart', I caved in and watched it. It started off like any other typical romance movie. The holding hands, carrying the woman, kissing too much- all that corny stuff. But after watching the whole thing, I got out so much more than I expected. Yes, other than love.

Inspiration. 

This movie inspired me to follow my dreams. Life has no limitations, only opportunities, and its up to us to go after the things we want. To not be afraid of all the potential or gifts you've been blessed with, but to embrace them, and aim for something far beyond what you've imagined. Be determined.Strive. Succeed.

Positivity.

There are many people whom are suffering/ dealing/ or even overcoming obstacles. Despite it all, some chose to be positive, and look at life through a different perspective instead of resenting the world of the flaws/mistakes/problems that they encounter. I truly admire them. 

Genuine People.

Regardless of all the horrible people, I truly believe there are those few who are genuine about the person they truly are. Who have good intentions, other than themselves.

Friendship.

Knowing you have a person to confide in, or someone who is there for you, is probably one of the best things a friend can do. There will always be those few whom will be close to your heart. 

Kindness.

Everyone needs compassion, followed by kindness. I hate that us as human beings are so selfish. We lack respect, and forget to treat others correctly, but yet we expect to be treated better than the rest. 

Love.

Love comes in many forms, and through many ways. Whether action, or words. True loves means being able to sacrifice, and understand one another. To forget about what's on the surface but rather to digging deeper. It's not about how many times you can show your love (making out) and what not.... but being able to keep the emotion/feeling going with that person, and growing more emotionally with one another.

In the movie, Danny definitely had made an influence on me. He opened his heart to a deaf girl, and fell in love with the person she was. He motivated those around him to never give up, and to be open with endless possibilities that life has to offer! He stayed strong after his mother's death, with no resentment or anger towards the world. He gave the needy a chance, and believing that they too, had potential to better there life. After being diagnosed with cancer, little did he know that time was running out. He proved to live his life to the fullest, and left the world peacefully. He chose not to let the ones he love see him die, but rather leave the world reminding them that even he's gone, he's still there.He's the living proof of the person I hope to become one day. He impacted many, with all of his offerings.I hate the fact that life is unfair and that Bad things always happen to good people. It makes me wonder why God dos this... I am so emotional right now.... 

Another Saturday.

Tntt was good, we focused on Lent, and preparing ourselves for holy week. I can't believe Easter is almost here! Facebook, here I come! Ha..Ha.. Today, cap 2 kids did not participate in any of the games, instead we were held responsible for the station of adoration. Most of time, we played everything by ear. As the group kept coming in, we got a bit better. I noticed, I was mainly the one charge, and to be quite honest... I don't mind. Although, I know one of the girls were a bit annoyed. I'm sorry, but once I get that rush, I just keep on going. I love being held/ responsible as the leader. Feels good to be in charge. I didn't see him today... he was in Duluth. Bummer, much. I really wanted to see him today. sjdjhajk! I'm not going to keep my hopes us to high, and just hope for the best. In the mean time, I want to sing! hahaha good bye.

Who knows?

I didn't think last night would have ever happened. Or that he'd tell me something, that gave me a little a hope inside that there could be a chance. But after what he had said, I'm so excited to see where things go... at the same time I'm afraid. My friend said, to take chances, because you'll never know if you dwell on 'what ifs' - actually she didn't say those exact words.. but you get the point. We will see where things go... who knows.

Over and out :)

I think I like you...

"well, guess what, during the beginning of Giao Ly this year, I didn't know what your name was but I saw you around before. So I thought you were really pretty and so I was gonna Holla! but you were taken

did that make your day?"


"you are beautiful and have a great personality"

I think I like you!!! Hehehehe :)

A little heart to heart

There's so much running through my mind. Everything just seems to be rushing towards me all at once... this weekend, driving to my little brothers friend house ( which was the longest drive ever), and then heading to the buffet. I sat in the car, and this song came on. Blessings, by Laura Story while driving, I listened to this song carefully, "What if you're mercies are in disguise". After my break up, I resented the world. I resented everything, and everyone. I kept myself in a dark world, filled with no hope nor positivity. I lingered on like that for months, hating him, making decisions that I regretted, did things that maybe i shouldn't have. For a while, i lost who I was.That was me at rock bottom. Now that months have gone by, and I've actually thought things through, I feel that I'm in a better place. Despite it all. Yes, i miss him. Yes, I still love him. But in some ways, maybe being hurt was a blessing in disguise? 

"'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise "

The Ephata retreat is right around the corner, and I am very excited. Not only am I a sponsor, but I am hoping I'll be able to participate in this life changing event. I remember when I had to go through it. Boy, did I take it seriously. Left all my electronics at home, hoping for the best. Anh Bao was my dad, and chi Maria was my mom. My family, was awesome. We shared so many memories together, and now that it's been 2 years since I last remembered, one of my group members are still really good friends. Aside from my friends from school, I can say that my church friends mean the world to me. Although we don't hang out with each other as often as we'd like. Or sometimes we might not even like one another, when it comes down to it, if we ever needed one another i know I can rely on them. 

"What if my greatest disappointments 

Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise"

Growing up, I knew it was children I was meant to work with. With today's economy, its sort of scaring me if education is really what I should do. It's not that I feel incompatible, call me the girl with the ego, but I feel that  if I were a teacher, I think I'd be bomb. Seeing/ hearing that my friends families are getting laid off, is scary.I pray that everything will be okay... my grandma is getting weaker, and I don't know what tomorrow will bring. One day she's better, one day she's not. When she's sick, it's hard. I worry constantly because sometimes I don't know what to do to make her feel better.  I've been trying to be good at home. Less arguing back, more listening and just being with my family. People may perceive me to be this good girl, but really I make mistakes all the time. I'm not all that great as people see me to be... like I said, and will continue saying... I want to better myself so that I can better those around me. Because at the end of the day, it's not about me but about others. 

I feel like i'm rambling a lot. My point of this blog being is that despite everything the pain, the lost, the sadness, the hurt etc... I feel like all of those things were blessings that came in disguise. I was blinded to see, but God has opened my eyes to reality, and made me realize that this life has so much to offer. There are no endings, only new beginnings. Be thankful for each and everyday that you are able to wake up and indulge this beautiful life.  God bless! Ta ta for now!

*sighs

A week of busy, has come to an end. Tomorrow, will be Monday. Time just never seems to stop, and sometimes we just need to take that little breather. This weekend, was definitely a lot of Jesus bonding time. Friday, my mom and I went to the stations of the cross, and attended mass afterwards. His mom was there, after coming home, she had called our house and spoke to  my mom and grandma to ask how everyone was doing. I really miss her. It's a shame we couldn't have shared many more memories together. In some ways, I already thought she was like another mother to me.Saturday, the kids had their retreat. We sang, laughed, and then had adoration. I had used that time to get in touch with my religious side, and to just sit there and talk to God. I then confessed my sins. Because the line was so long, father didn't say much...other than " I know, you know the mistakes you've made" and I walked away. I was disappointed that I didn't get much feedback... oh well. I've made it commitment to go to pray to St. Anna statue. Lately, I just feel that she's really been hearing my prayers, and so I've been paying my respect to her. After my brother and his friends went to 98lbs to eat, and so I went with. i was the older kids there. Actually I was the oldest one... i definitely felt like and OG it was weird. Anyways, Today is sunday, and here i am! I went to mass today, and brought up the gifts, with tofu. It was nice. I haven't done that in so long.

Tofu told me today that c. Chi had asked if he wanted to stay over for the Ephata retreat. I am so jealous right now. It's not even funny.  But truthfully, I know he's changed and grown in faith. I'm really proud of him,and how this retreat has really effected him. I'm also glad to have been able to meet him, and seen him grow. I couldn't be more proud of him. I also heard Thinh will be one of the parents at the retreat. I'm not surprised. I know he's spiritually ready, and has so much to offer the kids. He's been through so much, and after this breakup I'm sure he's still in the process of defining who he is, and what he wants. I as well. Gosh, I bet he's so happy. I guess, if anything I'm afraid that he's going to bring me up... it's weird but all I can say is... I trust in him. Even though we are not together, I trust that whatever he chooses to share, about his family, me, life I know or hope he will be careful with his words.

He actaully said hi to me today... I can't even recall the last time he said hi to me. I miss him so much.  I wonder how he is doing, or what is going on, or what he's been up too. I hate the fact that we can't speak to one another.. *sighs..

Rambling thoughts!

It's 1:00 am (ish), and for some odd reason I'm not tired. I am just feeling a bit boggled up with all my thoughts, that it only feels right to share them via blogging.

• I use to ignore the fact that there are people who are selfish,careless, disrespectful, etc... but after yesterday's talk with my co workers, all confirmed to be true. They say, that employee's aren't always suppose to like their bosses, and their bosses aren't always suppose to please their employee's but gosh, at least treat each other with the respect that a human being deserves. No matter how much money you make, where you come from, whether you are rich or poor, no one deserves to be treated less than anything but a human being. I was talking to one of my coworkers, that  I definitely have the most respect for. He shared various stories of the wrong and hurtful things that my bosses have said/ done to him, and he's been working for our school for 6 years. Despite it all, he greets every student as if they were his own. He treats us, with compassion, and provides us with the best. He said to me the reason why he has been for here for so long was because of 'us'. Us as in the students.It touched my heart, I could see the care and unconditional love that he had for us- and for everyone. Its rare to find someone who is so genuine. Bless his soul. 
• Church has been awesome. I enjoy every weekend with TNTT and Sunday School with my kiddies! My group chose me to get interviewed by the Catholic Spirit so I'm real excited and somewhat nervous... on Saturday c.Chi pulled me out from the group and mentioned how she'd think all the leaders believe that when the time comes I'll make a great 'huyhn truong' aka leader. It really made me happy, and relieved to hear such positive feedback. She mentioned that for young adult, she can see that i've definitely grown in my faith, and there aren't many who are the same. I sat there taking pride in that, and I took it as an encouragement to better myself. A goal still in process of accomplishing!
• It's been confirmed. I am Jenny's sponsor! How exciting! I think I am actually the youngest person in my church to be a sponsor, with approval. YAY! 
• My Grandma has the shingles, or so it seems. It scares me, and I plan on going home more often now, and spending time with her. 
• I'm getting fat, and i need a bod for this summer and the Dominican next year haha
• Today, I went to bdubs with the fellas, and I had so much fun!
• I'm crushing on tofu. hehehehe He looked cute today. HOLLA
• I got and A on my paper for writing, who hoo!

Night night!

Today is a good day.

I asked God to take my pain away.
God said, No.
It is not for me to take away,
but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, No.
Her spirit was whole,
her body was only temporary.

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No.
Patience is a by-product of tribulations,
it isn't granted, it is earned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No.
I give you blessings,
Happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares
and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, No.
You must grow on your own,
but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said, No.
I will give you life
so that you may enjoy all things.

I ask God to help me LOVE others, as much as he loves me.
God said... Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.

April Fools!

April is finally here! And in less than month, I'll be done with my first year of college... wow. It still feels as if yesterday, I met my roommate, and starting my college experience. Last night, my roomie showed me this song, called 'temporary home' by carrie underwood. At first, I was sort of in the 'wtf stage, why are you so emo stage'.  The song had really gotten to her. I turned off the lights, bout to get ready to close my eyes, and knowing something is wrong, I slowly creep on her (haha sorry, I'm a creeper) I caught her crying again. I wanted to make sure she was okay, and so, what do I do? Well, I climbed up to sit and chat with her. We both started talking, and she shared some things that meant a lot to her. I could see where she was coming from...I can't say that I know what she's been through, but I can only understand.

While listening to the song, I myself got a bit emotional. I realized how selfish we as human beings are... we take everything for granted, and we don't care about anything other than ourselves. We don't look around to see how fortunate we are, and we complain about the lives that God has granted us.

I use to claim that I was a good person, built with good morals, and intentions... but then I reflect on myself, and ponder on the thought if that is true... am I really just like every other selfish human being out there?

I came home today, and saw my grandma. She showed me her face. It was badly swollen, according to my brother it's a virus infection- possibly the shingles or some form of another chicken pox. I was angry at my family for not telling me anything. Waiting till I come home. What the hell. What if something else happened, were they going to hide that from me too? My poor grandma 's face is swollen, with bumps and pain. Just last she was sick, and now this. After seeing her face, I think I'm going to be going home more often now... I mean, I don't know how long she's going to live, or when God will take her away... I want to seize the moment that I can have with the woman who has helped cared for me with her unconditional love....

Praying for the needy,tonight...

The week has sure gone by fast, it's already Thursday. Guess what tomorrow is...FRIDAY. I'm going home tomorrow, plan on going shopping for myself, and buy me a new pair of heels, and flats. Yay me! I'm excited for church this weekend, TNTT and Sunday School. Seriously, what better way to start and end the weekend with church activities! At the same time, I'm excited to see my ex... even if it's from a distance. I really do miss him. But I'm thinking positive, and moving forward. I've been thinking about my life a lot, and what i want to do, or plan on doing... I play these scenarios in my mind of all sorts of situations both good and bad. I can't tell if that's a good or bad thing... ha ha. I feel like aside from school, the only thing I'm lingering on is my relationship with him... I feel like I'm moving on but emotionally, I'm not.

I called my mom today, and she had asked me if I wanted to go to the stations of the cross with her at church, and I said sure. I remember when I was younger, I'd always dread attending mass. Heck, I remember those horrible days crying, and screaming. Gosh, I was a horrible kid. Growing up in a religious family has influenced in many ways, but meeting people like my ex whom share the same faith as I do, has helped me grown as a person. Right now, you could say that I am very open to the Catholic Faith. Although, at times I do find myself disagreeing with my denomination.

Aside from earning my degree, I've even considered studying aboard. Next year, my school is offering a study abroad program in Costa Rica. Both my roommate and I have taken this into consideration. The experience, different life, food, etc... sounds all too appealing, but the thought of leaving for a while does concern. Couple weeks ago, my roommate and I had a talk. She brought up the peace corps, and said that might be something she wants to do... I went home that weekend and looked it up, and found out that if you join peace corps you'd stay there for 2 years.. how scary is that! Well , I should of been writing my paper but i'll finish this blog later... till then, ta ta for now!

Just one of those days..

I just got pawned by my biology test, and I am so disappointed beyond words. Right now, I just feel bitter, and tired.I have no motivation to keep going, and I'm sitting here on my bed, moping about how life sucks at the moment. I went to the U yesterday, and As much as I enjoy the going to the  U, I despise it at the same time. It really brings back memories, and seeing couples strolling around, hand in hand, with one another causes me to become envious, and maybe a bit bitter. Listening to T-Swift. Thinking about too much. It's been 6 months, already. I still question what had happened the day he left me, or what truly was the reason... I hate myself for investing too much, and being the one left empty handed because at the end of the day, all i'm carrying is the heart filled with needles, and no matter how many days past by, or how many times I 'forget'... i'll never forget the hurt that he made me go through. I know, I'm unreasonable, and insensitive right now... but The pain of seeing the person I fell in love with walk right out the door, is unforgettable.

"Now that it's all said and done,

I can't believe you were the one

To build me up and tear me down,

Like an old abandoned house.

What you said when you left

Just left me cold and out of breath.

I fell too far, was in way too deep.

Guess I let you get the best of me."

Going With The Flow

Everyday just seems to play out the same... school, work, eat, sleep. The cycle ensues. I have my biology test, tomorrow, and to be honest, I don't feel that prepared. The weekend though was fun, but then Saturday and Sunday rolled around, and my morals definitely started talking to me. Actually, it hit me quite hard. To put it this way, I plan on walking the walk, and talking the talk. No more contradictions, and no more being 'rebellious' ( not that that I ever was). Saturday, Nani and I went to TG and sat there doing homework. We were exhausted! Lately, I've been quite boy deprived, and seeing Nani again was like 'HALLELUJAH' . Funny thing was, he looked even  cuter than he did before! Nothing happen, just the fact that he's cute. hehe. That day he helped me with my game for TNTT, I presented it to my youth group. I thought it went well. C. Teresa started exclaiming that not all of us will get our red scarves, and how when you do become a youth group leader. It's no longer about you, but about you being a role model, and taking on responsibility of what a leader is. It really got me thinking and I realized that I want to be a youth group leader so bad. I can not wait till the day, I have my red scarf. Probably will be the most proudest day of my life.

To continue, Sunday I got to teach. Teaching and just in general being with my kiddies is awesome. I am at church from 1030- 4:30pm every Sunday, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Others might think I'm crazy for being at church for so long... but it's like my second home, and I don't mind. The kids, are truly a joy. But this Sunday, one of the boys I teach named Jonathan had brought in these cool power ranger wrists bands thing. While on break, the boy behind him made fun of the band, and called them 'stupid'. Jonathan's feelings got hurt, and started crying... I was walking around and noticed him tearing up. I walked over, and asked if he was okay. He didn't respond, and I asked him what happened. He didn't respond. I took him out of the room, and we sat in the hallways talking, and he said, "It's embarrassing, I don't want to tell you...", I told him too, and he came around. He said that the boy behind him was making fun of him for still liking power rangers. I explained to him that everyone will have differences. Its okay, and to ignore him. We got up, and he gave me a hug as I walked him back into class. It's Sunday's like these that are worth every minute/hour of my time. Being able to  build relationships with my kids, and get to know them better as an individual is priceless. They are the reasons why I strive to be better, to be a better person for those around me.

So, to conclude. I want to be good, and better myself. But then again, everything that happens is all held in God's hands. I am just Going With The Flow :)

It's FRIDAY, FRIDAY, FRIDAY!

This weekend was filled with adventures, and not too mention quite a few consequences. Here are some photos...