Pathetic.

Last night, was a friends birthday. We went out to eat at the U, and celebrated with her. I had a lot of fun, that's for sure. Spending it with my favorite girls. Afterwards, we went to TG and got some bubble tea, and Becky's dad came to bring us home. We ended the night, drinking and I had 2 shots, with couple sips of cherry coke. At first, I felt my face burning up, and for that night I was a cherry. For an hour or so, i thought everything was so funny. Especially, the word 'pee' , and I couldn't stop. Didn't know alcohol could make you pee so much..around 12, i went back into my room because I was tired. I suddenly got very cold, so cold that I wore extra layers. I remembered sleeping for around 12, and waking up at 1... and then my mood alternated. I started to feel so emotional, and I caught tears dripping down my cheeks. I sat up, and went to the bathroom, and came back into the room. I felt so dizzy, to the point I was scared I was going to puke. I put in my ipod, and next thing you know, I bawled like no other. It got so bad, that a friend had just told me to 'shut up' and I cried even more. But even through that horrific emotional roller coaster, I have awesome friends who take of me, and I love you all so much!

I was reliving it all over again... reliving my heartbreak. I could feel the exact pain, I felt the day he told me that things had to end.I laid there half awake, my eyes were barely open... I could hear my voice telling me, 'why didn't you drink more, drink more to forget your sorrows, an excuse to talk to him " Oh how badly I wanted to dial him. How badly I had to tell myself not too.I started to think, how much of a low life I've become without him. I felt so bad for myself, for becoming so emotional. For hurting my own self.

Why do I do this to myself? Why is it I am dwelling so much. Because at the end of the day, the only person who hurts the most, is me.

Today, I did Chau for TNTT. I was so nervous! I felt my hands shaking, but I had to do what I had to do. As I entered the church I saw his mom sitting there, and I saw her looking at me. It breaks my heart, that I can't see her as much anymore...and there he was, sitting there. As 'rescue' was playing in the background. I caught myself looking at him, wondering and thinking of what was going through his mind. How he was doing... i messed up the first time, but I picked myself back up, and got things going. At the end of Chau he handed me the rest of the slips, and said, 'good job'. I quickly said thanks, and he was gone.

Am i changing myself, because a boy left me? Am I really that pathetic that I can't handle this?


Note to the man upstairs:

Dear God,
I sometimes wonder why I make myself feel this way...
I just ask that you do me the favor and take it away.
Before I take away myself.

Relaxing Friday?

When I think about the person I am... I couldn't really give you a straight answer. Because truth is, I don't know. I aspire to be like many, but when it comes down to it, I am me. I visualize myself in 10 years, with a career that I love doing, hopefully settling down with my significant other. Basically, anyone's dream. School is really getting to me, and I think my grades are really slippin'. I have to start getting my act together, because time is running out. It's not that I can't do the things I've given during class, it's the fact that I have no motivation, anymore. But I'm not going to give up, I'm going to get things done. FIGHTING!

I catch myself thinking about him, alot.Every hour, every day, every week. To the point that My friend mentioned to me, that I bring him up every day. Wow, I'm pathetic. I think about him so much that he appears in my dreams. Last night, he was in my dreams, and reality slapped me right in the face. It's over. He's not with you anymore. I want to believe that I'm progressing, and I'm doing fine, but deep down the pain that I'm feeling ,hurts like a thousand knives that are stuck in my heart. As time moves forward, those knives, one by one, are taken out. Some days, they don't leave, and I start the process all over again. It feels like a never ending cycle, really. I thought he was the 'one' for me. He'd go to medical school, I'd go to med school or do nursing, we'd live our lives-together. I sound so naive, but that's what I was led to believe. The dream that i envisioned with him, was beautiful. Sometimes I feel like I lay my heart out for my my significant others, and even my friends. I'm always willing to walk that extra mile, to make sure the ones I love get what they need. Sometimes, i tell myself, "why don't you worry about yourself", and I never seem to answer it. I claim that I am mature enough to understand 'life', but really, I'm naive as naive gets. I just don't know what to anymore, and where to hide my emotions. i know my friends are always there for me, along side them I have my family as well, but I always feel when I bring up the same situation, I feel as though I'm bothering them more than anything. Blahh, love sucks. Go die in a hole.

Tomorrow, I get to lead Chau aka Adoration for church. I'm really excited, yet quite nervous. Time is ticking, and maybe I'm not ready!!! Next week for sure will be hell, but I can do this! i can do this!


Note to the man upstairs:
God,
I know you are always with me, guiding me. 
You've died on the cross for our sins, and yet I can't ever seem to do anything right.
I get selfish, always thinking about myself. 
Give me the strength to live in your name.
Amen.

Ta ta for now...

Thoughts from an exhausting day

I remember, sitting in the kitchen while my cousin, John sat there with me. I was doing math, and was frustrated with the problem I stumbled across. Like any other, I asked him for help. Let me tell you something... there are smart people who can teach others and there are smart people who can't teach at all ( i think this applies to certain teachers) any whom he could not get me to understand what I was learning, and he said, 'you're so stupid, if you're lucky you'd make it into community college". I was in the 9th grade, the most confusing time of a teenagers life, trying to fit in, entering the teens, and discovering the person you are. I'm in college now, and till this day, I still remember his words, as if they were tattooed to my heart. Currently in college,  I'm riding on a scholarship, paying less than 4 grand per semester. I think that's some accomplishment? My point being is that after all he has said, I want to prove him WRONG. My relatives probably don't think i'm capable of anything, and sadly I wont let them see me fail.

 Aside, from that nostalgic memory... I've been thinking about what I want to major in. Religion has been such a huge part of my life, that I want to incorporate in my career as well. Whether minoring, or majoring. I use to think the medical field was where i was meant to be, but then I reflect and reevaluate why I am really choosing to become a doctor. As much as I find it rewarding saving lives, is it something i am truly passionate about? OR am I doing it for the social status? Or both? Then there's education. I love children, and in general kids. I feel that I've been blessed with the gift of teaching. Every Sunday, I teach 42 kids. Ages 8-10, all unique in there own way, they brighten my cloudy days, and fill them with love. I'm always getting asked, 'why do you love children so much' by my friends, and peers... and to be honest, I don't know. Maybe it's because I'm a girl, and i just have the maternal instincts (lol) truth is... I believe children are our future. If you raise a child, and know how to teach and give that unconditional love to that child, you'll see how great they can turn out to be. I look at each at my student all differently. The ones that are good, are very good. The ones who don't do anything, always catch my attention the most. At times i get so frustrated with them, but they've taught me to become really patient. Kids, have a good heart. I just people would just see it. They have so much offer, and they just need you to acknowledge their existence. That's it. I want to do that, i want to be there for them.  I'm willing to walk 10 miles, or whatever it takes to make sure my kids are okay. But who knows where this life is going to take me... lets wait and see.

Another thought for tonight...

A friend whom I use to be real good friends with, am no longer friends anymore.I ended things. Maybe it should have never ended? Maybe it should have. I couldn't say... I'm probably wrong to say it but it doesn't matter. She's a great person, I'm sure she will do great things with her life,and whatever else. Maybe things won't work out now, maybe just need space. I have no problems keeping in touch with my HS friend, except that I'm in college now. This is a transition into a different life, and a new beginning, nothings the same anymore. Life is like that. Changes occur, and we have to accept them.Ever since college has started I've been so blessed to have met such great friends, build great relationships that I can't believe I even have with these people i call my friends. Till this day I wonder, how did I get so lucky? 

My roommate and I, get along very well.  she's my best friend. The first time i met her i didn't know what to think, she looked kinda mean through her fb page... and that made me worried. I've been bullied before, and I thought this girl would bully me too (LOL) , but all of what I've thought was wrong. I remember, we were sitting in a friend's room. Our friend had been going through some family problems, my roommate reached out to her, and said "Could I pray for you"? Right then, she prayed for her, and it touched my heart (corny huh?) but I knew then we'd get along fine. As the months continued, we had gotten really close, every problem, everything we relied on one another, and maintain a great bond. She's a very special person to me, and always will be. No matter how far away, i hope you know I will always be there. If you ever need me to come to VA - I'll charge it to my Credit Card, and go in debt - for you. The people I've met in college are all so unique in their own way. It's awesome. Don't worry, i did not forget,... Resa, Rachel, and Becky, you've all been awesome friends. You guys really know how to make this little girl smile. I can't thank you guys enough! I remember when I was in my room crying, after my  breakup you all were there to hold my hand. You guys have no idea how much you guys mean to me. Please don't forget. i know, I'm bitchy, sometimes very ignorant, and weird... but I'm not perfect. But what you guys have done for me I can never repay you back. So tonight, this blog is dedicated to all you guys. i love you, all!

A fine Frenzy

“When you love someone, and you love them with your heart, it never disappears when you are apart. And when you love someone and you've done all you can do, you set them free, and if that love was true... when you love someone it will all come back to”

Feelings...

I'd like to think that it's almost that time of month, and therefore I'm just being really emotional... but I don't think that's the problem. Last night, I was legitimately angry at my friends. For the fact that I didn't have the quiet time I needed to write my paper. Usually, I can deal with all that goes on in the background, but last night, I realized how bad my paper needed editing, and not to mention I read the essay wrong, therefore I didn't understand what the author was trying to portray... and time was running out... I couldn't deal with anymore. So instead of yelling at them, I left, and went to sit in the lounge. Finished my paper, and began to reminisce about my past with my ex.I'm always reminding myself that I'll be okay, and everything happens for a reason, and eventually it's his lost, but looking at our pictures, going through our videos, and remembering what we were made me sad. I could feel the pain all over again, and how much it hurts to loose someone you love. Deep down, even if he's not mine I hope he does find 'happiness' whether it's serving the Lord, meeting someone better than I, or whatever it is. I hope he finds that happiness. Last night, I turned to prayer to uplift my spirit. As I sat there, crying my pain away, I prayed to God. I asked him to help me deal with the hurt I was feeling, to teach me to better myself. Help me conquer this hurt that I was overcoming. I turned to him to save me. The darkness, I felt was unbearable.God, I ask you to watch over me. Help me. Teach me and guide me, so that I can become the child of God. Your love will not fail me, I know.

My Life at the Moment..

They say, "Everything happens for a reason". I can honestly say without a doubt, i believe it. Life at the moment, I can say that I'm really content with life. Well, right now I am. lol The last two guys whom shared the same last names that i dated...well, I ended things with both. I didn't feel anything. The last guy, whom I ended things with last night didn't take things very well... actually, he was really immature about the whole thing, but at the same time, I'm really glad things ended. Goes to show what kind of guy he REALLY is. Like seriously, GROW UP.Any who, I saw the ex yesterday, and I know for certain I still love him, but I am at the point in my life where I've come to accept the fact that we are no longer 'together', and I'm ready to be friends. I really am. I know he'll do great things, no matter what. He really is a genuine person, and I hope he realizes it, and I think I'll always have that love for him no matter what. Lately, i've also been getting in touch with my religious side, how lucky are we to have a Savior so great? Who has died on the cross to free us of sin? We're very lucky. Ta ta for now..