Pathetic.

Last night, was a friends birthday. We went out to eat at the U, and celebrated with her. I had a lot of fun, that's for sure. Spending it with my favorite girls. Afterwards, we went to TG and got some bubble tea, and Becky's dad came to bring us home. We ended the night, drinking and I had 2 shots, with couple sips of cherry coke. At first, I felt my face burning up, and for that night I was a cherry. For an hour or so, i thought everything was so funny. Especially, the word 'pee' , and I couldn't stop. Didn't know alcohol could make you pee so much..around 12, i went back into my room because I was tired. I suddenly got very cold, so cold that I wore extra layers. I remembered sleeping for around 12, and waking up at 1... and then my mood alternated. I started to feel so emotional, and I caught tears dripping down my cheeks. I sat up, and went to the bathroom, and came back into the room. I felt so dizzy, to the point I was scared I was going to puke. I put in my ipod, and next thing you know, I bawled like no other. It got so bad, that a friend had just told me to 'shut up' and I cried even more. But even through that horrific emotional roller coaster, I have awesome friends who take of me, and I love you all so much!

I was reliving it all over again... reliving my heartbreak. I could feel the exact pain, I felt the day he told me that things had to end.I laid there half awake, my eyes were barely open... I could hear my voice telling me, 'why didn't you drink more, drink more to forget your sorrows, an excuse to talk to him " Oh how badly I wanted to dial him. How badly I had to tell myself not too.I started to think, how much of a low life I've become without him. I felt so bad for myself, for becoming so emotional. For hurting my own self.

Why do I do this to myself? Why is it I am dwelling so much. Because at the end of the day, the only person who hurts the most, is me.

Today, I did Chau for TNTT. I was so nervous! I felt my hands shaking, but I had to do what I had to do. As I entered the church I saw his mom sitting there, and I saw her looking at me. It breaks my heart, that I can't see her as much anymore...and there he was, sitting there. As 'rescue' was playing in the background. I caught myself looking at him, wondering and thinking of what was going through his mind. How he was doing... i messed up the first time, but I picked myself back up, and got things going. At the end of Chau he handed me the rest of the slips, and said, 'good job'. I quickly said thanks, and he was gone.

Am i changing myself, because a boy left me? Am I really that pathetic that I can't handle this?


Note to the man upstairs:

Dear God,
I sometimes wonder why I make myself feel this way...
I just ask that you do me the favor and take it away.
Before I take away myself.