So tired..

I find myself breaking down in moments of despair, stress, and unexplained emotions. My problems is I don't deal with my emotions. I suppress them... and when there are moments in life that stresses me out, or I am having a bad day, what I thought I had 'let go' or have 'forgotten' or 'put away" comes back to haunt me.

Ever since the surprise skype with my ex & friends... it left me shocked and in a way overwhelmed. Since this Monday, I've had a total of 9 hours of sleep, including naps. I've been waking up at 6:30, and going to be close to 3am due to the lingering thoughts that run across my mind. My body has not been helping either. I've been getting terrible migraines, feeling of vomiting, and my throat hurts. My body aches, and my back kills. I am so emotionally, physically, and mentally drained. To the point where I go to intern and my head is never there... I haven't focused on anything this week, and I feel like I am not doing what I was set to do. TO help these kids. I had gotten a call back, at DSW for a second interview. Thinking it was one on one- it turned out to be a group. Except with only 2 other girls. I was so exhausted, that I did not act myself. I barely smiled, my answers we all over the place, I had received no feedback nor praises. Which leads me to believe that I did terrible. I am so disappointed in myself. I did not act as, Kathy.. its my fault. For a moment I thought God was answering my prayers... but now, could it be my hard work, and patience are running down the drain?


I had a total melt down today. And to be honest, I've been trying to let my other friends know that I need help. But it's either I've approaced them wrongly, or I am not directly asking for help that I need. And right now, I feel like I need someone. That's why it's so hard to be away from my roommate. Living together, we basically confided in each other. I always knew who i could go to... I was so desperate that I was going to pick up the phone and call her. But to honest, that'd be very selfish of me. She's doing something great, and to make her worry... that's not fair.

I don't know. I'm so tired... tired with myself, my life. I'm exhausted. I don't want to feel. I don't want to THINK. I just want to be at peace with life/ myself.
God. Can't I just have that?

The beauty of The Sacrament of Marriage

As like any ordinary girl, I want to find... 'the one'. Two years ago, I was so blessed to have met a genuine guy, whom hearts/ intentions were beyond what I imagined. Not only did he have a vision to continue to spread the word of Christ, but to spread it to many youths, as well. His love and dedication for TNTT soared as I watch him work through Christ. I fell in love this guy. We started off as like many... wanting and dreaming of what could be...together. After a year, and a half what I thought could have been forever ended on October 24, 2010. My heart fell, and broke into pieces. I remember as we gave each other our last hug... I looked him in the eyes, and said, " If you ever need me, please let me know...I will be there for you"... as my eyes continuously filled with tears, I watched the guy I loved walk out of the door. Deep down my heart was telling me to run after him, before he was gone... but my head told me that I need to let him go, so that he could figure things out. Of course, I followed my head. It's been 10 months, and I am still not over him. They say just let time do it's part... I am trying. I'm not saying this is the guy I may marry, or that we will be back together or anything along those lines... but who knows...


Yesterday, I met up with my brother and future sister in law, to help her and her family take some photos. While we were at the beautiful Park, her parents celebrated their anniversary and wanted to renew their vows. It was absolutely breath taking... after 30 years, there love still grows each and everyday. As I stood there and took photos, i listened to what both has to say... and i was left in Awe. With today's society you find divorce ratings to run very high...it makes me sad. When you have promised each other to be there for one another through thick and thin.. that's a commitment/ vow that you have made with your spouse. The one thing I think couples don't realize is the fact that when it comes to marriage, there is a lot of working, and sacrifices that will have to be made. It's no longer, about YOU, anymore. When God has given you a spouse, and as you enter/ walk down those aisles, the beauty of it is that both man, and woman join has to become one. They live as the image of what God has for them together. Which brings me to my next topic... sex. Way back who knows when, your virginity basically was what kept you as value. Now, it's normal to have sex with the person your in a relationship with, or keep it as a way of life. But from what I've seen... sex does not keep a couple together if anything, it could ruin a relationship... it builds this wall of what we perceive to be 'love' but really is lust. I can guarantee, that the chances of you having sex on a regular basis with your significant other, will not be that long lasting relationship your hoping for, at least from what I observed. Because in the end, the emotions that you thought were so strong, over powers and physicality is what you are looking at.

For me, I want to save myself for marriage... because I believe that's the gift that I'll be sharing with my future husband. Yes, it will be very special hahaha. I am not perfect, but the beauty that this sacrament holds is extraordinary. Adding on sharing it with the person you love... Please do remember that these are my opinions and what I have observe... so do not get offended...

Maybe one day I too may be walking down the aisle, and receive this beautiful blessing :)

For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother
and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh,
So then, they are no longer two but one flesh.
Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate."
(Matt 19: 5,6)

I think too much.

Tonight is just one of those nights, actually this whole weekend I've found myself feeling really emotional. No, it's not that time. I don't know what it is... i just feel uneasy.*sigh...

Some thoughts:

=Ever since Thursday, I've been catching myself thinking about the kids. It's only been two days, and I already feel how much i am being impacted. I hate the fact knowing I have so much... great family, wonderful friends, beautiful home... while these kids don't have half of what I have. I am very thankful, but sometimes I just wonder why God loves me so much. What did I do to deserve all this.... I feel like i am doing nothing to help this kids, and though some tell me otherwise I don't believe it. I hate that feeling ...

- i have so many event to look forward too.. all filled with TNTT events!
YESS. As much as i enjoy youth group.. i also love the people too. They are like my third fam. I have my immediate fam, my college fam, and then there's tntt fam. I love what i do, and training to become. Next week, nine of the hiep si in my group will be getting the red scarfs to become leaders. As excited as i am, i wish i could of been one of the nine... oh well, soon. I've been asked why do you want to be a HT ( a leader) ? And to be honest, being a HT is something i want so badly. Why? I want to be able to able to help youths be a better Catholic, overall a good christian. I want to help them better themselves so that they can too better others. I want to be a living example of what they all can be in the future as well. that's why it is so important for me to walk the walk talk the talk. Some find it as though i am too hard on myself... but i have to be. I want to be a role model, i want to help better myself. to help educate youths about their Savior. I want them to see how faith can do great things for those who believe. I want to be that living proof for them to see..

- i talked to Tofu today... our convos never seem to get old. Despite all the times that i drive him nuts. I know he still looks out for me. Thats what friends do! Tonight we really talk though... about my ex, i told him how i felt and he understood. IT was just really refreshing, i guess. He asked me 'would you ever take him back' and to be honest ... i don't know... i just don't know.

Life at the moment is stressful. I always catch myself thinking about things i shouldn't. I mjust don't know... -__________-"

A life towards serviving others??

Ever since yesterday... I have been feeling very emotional. I can't tell if its that time of month... or just because I am thinking too much.

Thoughts are running through my mind.. and I don't where to start or where to stop. I've been thinking about my life a lot lately. I remember sharing with my friends, my plans for the future... after yesterday, and hearing all those stories... I stood there and look at the kids. I took a brief moment and imagine these kids being something more than anyone could have envisioned them to be... and with some support and guidance...they too have a chance for the future.It brought to mind, how these kids need someone... and maybe God wants me to dedicate my life towards serving others instead...

Ten years from now I can imagine myself finding my future husband, settling down, getting married, and raising a family... but after yesterday... I contemplated over the fact maybe these kids need me more... I never thought about marrying Christ. But could this be another form? I don't know. All I know is that I want to make a difference, and that i am going to do my best to give myself fully to God.

On the side note, I am missing him a lot. I always catch him on fb chat but never work the courage to speak to him... sigh.

Just imagine

Perspective Family, is a non - profit organization that is set up to help shelter families who are at risk. It's a program that provides supportive housing, case management, mental health services, parent education, and child enrichment programming. The kids who attend the program, are either recommended by their teachers, apply for Free Reduced Lunch at school, and if there rents are in need of physical/mental assistance. The perspectives that I intern, has a building that they own, near by the center, mainly for women. Most of the kids, who attend this summer program, live there. According to the teacher I assist, she tells me that the women get checked at 10pm every night, just to make sure that they are staying on track, and not relapsing...
I've been interning at this place for only two days, and I've already started to become attached to some of the kids, already. So soon. At the same time, I've been observing them, as well. Like which ones need more help in math, which is having troubles in reading, and just opening myself up to the kids in general especially the ones who don’t speak or is bashful. From my experiences at Giao Ly, with 42 kids, alongside, TNTT teaching, I thought it would be much easier with only 14-16 kids. But this is way different. From what I've seen, the kids are all very different, but different in their own kind of way. You'd think at 8am, they’d be more peaceful and quiet...well, not my bunch. Within one hour, I repeatedly had to remind some of them to keep their hands to themselves, no throwing stuff animals, it's not nice to bully, no saying 'shut up', or its time for a 'time out'... it get very frustrating, I’m not going to lie, but I just remind myself, this is God testing my patience. Therefore, I will act in a calm manner, despite all that is going on.
Today, during recess, I was talking to Mrs. Kugglin (the teacher I assist with), and she had shared some very heartbreaking stories with me. Being so sheltered all my life, I couldn't believe it. It left me pondering, all day long. When we were younger, we would ask each other... “What does your dad do", but in these kids cases it would be normal to ask... "What did your dad go to jail for". Now imagine an 8 year old, converse with his/ her friend on how long their rents were in jail for... or why they had to be sent to jail. Imagine if your mom or dad was an alcoholic, or a drug addict... and they told you that they had stopped, and won't ever do it again for your sake. But you find them, relapsing. Continuing the same cycle, again. Some of the kids who go there have been abused, or sexually assaulted. In some other cases, their mother's have been, and so they can't stay in the same home for years, finding themselves consistently moving here, and there. Just imagine what they go home to each night... How can they stop, and for some parents I know they too love their blood and flesh, as well. They just need the help, and assistance. This is what this program is giving them, another chance. Another life. Most importantly, HOPE. Hope for themselves, hope for their children, and hope for their futures. It's just sad to the kids, paying the price for their actions.
As I mentioned earlier, each of these kids all are different, if you met them you would probably start by differentiating the 'bad’ and 'good' ones, and would most likely only surround yourselves with the 'good' kids...but to me... all I see is this halo that shines above them all. Even though, I see them yelling at one another in times of anger/frustration, or slamming the doors when been told, ‘no’. Children are not what meets the eye... they act the way they do for many reasons, and when it comes down to it... they just seek for a little of your attention, and some that unconditional love that they don't get at home, or they act out because they see the kid on the other side acting out for the heck of it. I see potential in each and every one of them. But With a little guidance, and support these kids could become something more than what we think or envision them to be.
As I drove home, I started to reflect on myself-everything. I started to realize the little things I took for granted... my room, my things, and just my life. I have closet filled with nice clothing, a beautiful home, everything. And yet, I find myself always urging for more.*sigh* But what I really took away from interning today was hearing what Mrs. Kugglin said, “Even though these kids witness their parents doing all these things, they all hold this unconditional love for their parents because that’s their family” . It got me thinking how sometimes we as kids resent or take our parents for granted on so many situations, and we often forget the sacrifices they have made to given us the life we have. Heck, just thinking about my mom giving me life is already so much! If these children can put aside the mistakes their parents have made… then we can too.
This brings me to my conclusion… only interning for 2 days with no pay. I can see how this place has affected me, already. Imagine the next month and a half. It breaks my heart, knowing that I am going home to this stable environment, while these kids are unsure of what tomorrow may bring. So for the time that I am there, I’m going to do my best to assist, and help these children. I’m going to push myself, and continue to pray for patience and understanding. And even though I have to get up early, and may encounter traffic (which I have both days), and have to deal with the chaos that surrounds me… I remind myself:
"For the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life a ransom of many"- Mark 10:45
For he had serve us, and this is my chance of giving back and serving others… even if it’s something small, I hope that I too, can be of some help to these children.

Reality,

Today I had my DSW interview, praying much as I did... I was surprised with a group interview. Along with not only myself, but there were 7 other girls, whom all qualify for the job. Kinda. To be quite honest, of all the others I felt that I could have done much better, but I don't think i did terrible. It was sort of annoying, because everyone wanted their answer to stand out... in which, i did too. It just wasn't my nature to compete with others except when I had too. As I sat there, I observed each answer in my head... and to be honest, everyone's answer was good. But if I had to narrow it down... I'd say I'd be in the top three haha. When it comes to meeting new people, or strangers. I'd like to think I leave each person with a good standing impression of myself. I would say that I am a person filled with compassion, and love. If I could give myself to serves others, I'd do it in a heartbeat. For those who know me, know how strongly I feel about serving others. That is my calling. After today's interview, I realized life is not a bag filled with candy... but a bag filled with miscellaneous items. You never know what it is, you'll pick or see, or taste. I don't know,how I did. all i can do is wait.. and hope for the best.

Next thing that's on my mind is... I remember working for the first time ever. Was at my schools cafe. I've never made drinks nor had a real job ever. ASide from making drinks, meant assisting customers, dealing with complaints etc...but working had made me learn to socialize, and open my mouth. I know there are some shy people out there and all... but reality is.. if you don't speak up, then don't complain. I've learned that if you are frustrated or concerned, you need to speak up. There's nothing wrong about stating how you feel, or what's running through your mind. And when it comes to something you feel strongly about don't talk about how it has changed or isn't going as you planned or want it to be... do something about it.

Which brought me to another thought... on how much i am missing my roommate. It's so weird how tow completely different people can become such good friends. I've been so blessed, and thank you random selection! Living with her for a whole year, i've been super honored to call her my friend. In some ways, we are a bit a like. I guess, I just miss having someone there for me all the time. knowing what is needed to be said, or when to give me that brutal honesty that i'm sure no one else can handle. It's great knowing we share the same goals for life, and how our hearts seem to be heading down in similar paths. She's currently at camp, and I'm keeping her in my prayers! Hope you know that i'm always here for you!! Love and miss you dearly!!!

The Future

Lately, I find myself pondering of my future... and how right now the anticipation killing me. Call me crazy... but I can't wait till I get married to my spouse, and have kids, and most importantly becoming a mother. (cliche? I think so.)But reality is, I am no where near that point of my life! Hey, I can dream. Any who, yesterday I was getting ready for youth group, and my phone rang... it was DSW calling for an interview. I was so stoked! I was dancing like a mad woman! Oh, not to mention, I went to the dollar store to get m mom a card, and the cashier guy complimented my eyes. haha... Which put me in a really good mood, for TNTT. Every weekend, I get to attend TNTT, and I can say whether boring or fun I always walk away with something that I've learned. Yesterday, was special for me... Father Nhuan had a talk with all the Cap 2 kids, and I am so excited for them all to be HT's. As for me and Toan, we will be going to level 1 training... this August. So nervous! But at least he's there with me. That boy, means so much to me. Words can't describe how blessed I am to have him in my life. I remember he had the chance to sit with my class last year, and how i thought otherwise of him... never even once, did i find him attractive... till this year, he ended up teaching with me, and one thing led to another I developed these feelings for him. In some ways, he shares common characteristics as my ex, and the weird-er thing is that they both are becoming good friends. -___-". He's probably that one person, who knows so much about me. He's the only one who can see me sad, when those around me can't tell a thing. When we are out, he's always calling me or texting me to let me know where he is, or making sure I have a ride. Everyone thinks he and I should date. But there are so many pros and cons to everything. I am still loving my ex, and I am not over him. Toan is one of my best guy pals, and right now, I don't think anything can happen... besides, the relationship we have right now is so special already. If it got ruined I would never let myself live it down. Who know what the future holds. I saw my ex yesterday, and during the meeting as he and Chi Lisa went over the camp schedule for camp, I am just proud of him. So proud of him, the encouraging words, and he's thoughts and everything. We sat near each other, and tofu had to sit next to him too... therefore, I couldn't help but look his way. Then we brought up the topic of health, and someone said something about a knife... and he said, we would need it to open up something something, and who laughs ? Just him and I... -____-" lol. When the meeting was over, we had to put away chairs, and I had noticed he was trying to carry four, but it had looked like they were going to slipp out of his hands and so, I went and helped him. Hey, I was helping him out. The meeting went super well, and got me pumped for what the future holds for me as a HT. :D

Today, Father Hilary is leaving our parish. Of all the Father's that we have had, I can say that he is def my fav of all! I've never sseen someone so dedicated to what they do, and always putting the well being of others before himself. I admire him so much, and I hope that wherever he is in the future, may god bless him. It's a bittersweet goodbye... really. I walked into church, and sat there all by myself. It had appeared that someone was in the confession room, I don't know why... but I was curious as to who it was... as I sat there waiting the person who comes out is my ex. And it literally, startled me. haha, I hope he didn't see that.. haha He was wearing my plaid I bought him, along with his express cardigan that so did not match well. Just FYI. Driving home, my gma mentioned how his mom is always asking why we aren't together anymore, and how she will do whatever it takes to make me her daughter hahahahah. oh gezz. Along side her, her friend whom is also my mom's friend wants to do the same thing!! As flattered as I am... there's nothing I can do. Everything is all in GOd's hands. But it made me realized how much I had missed her. Thinh always told me he was a mommy's boy, and he really is. But his mom has been through so much, and I myself have seen it. Like I say, everyone has a cross that they are carrying, all we can do is pray for a stronger back. Even though he and I are not together... there's not a week I don't go without praying for him and his family. I just hope everything is okay, and that they are doing better. They will always be in my prayers.

Well, that's life at the moment...ta ta for now.

What would of been two years...

Today, would have marked my two year with Tim. Well, if we were still together that is... the weather just so happened to be the same as it was a year ago. How sad. Of course, i sit and linger on the fact that we are not together, but then again, I know I need to move on. I just want to be stronger, and learn to put my heart else where, but then again, small steps. I couldn't help but not think about him, of course I wish things weren't the way they were... but what can I do. I know, that it's probably my fault for putting in no effort, but I am so afraid too. I just don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to feel betrayed, or go through another heart break because quite frankly I don't deserve it. I guess the next step is to learn to let go... *sigh*

Dreams

When I reflect on the person that I am or hoping to become... I realize that I've changed quite a bit. I'd like to think that change is for the better, and that I'm becoming something worthy. Some may perceive me to be this strong, narcissistic girl... but deep down, I am a girl with many flaws and a low self esteem. I put on this front that I am strong, and "words can't hurt me" but when it comes down to it... I'm as sensitive/ overly emotional as it gets. Throughout my life, I've had many family members and friends who have looked down on me. My cousin once said, " You'd be lucky if you got into community college", and I was only in the eigth grade. With my parents constant bickering, that I should be a doctor, or always comparing me to my cousins, never helped. I never felt that I was good enough to be anything. College rolled around, and i started to actually live my life- myself. I came to terms that sometimes what I want or myself, isn't what God wants for me. I'm not good at math, nor am I that amazing at science. With time, I felt that my calling was to become a teacher. I became so determined that I found my career. The one I loved, and wanted. I kept this vision in my head, until people started to doubt what I wanted. It really killed me... not to feel supported but instead second guessing something I love. My aunt called to tell me how she thought I was wasting my money to pursue a career that will make nothing of myself, or in other words it's the "easy" way out. My heart literally died. I want to think what I am doing is something commendable that most people can't seem to do- follow their dreams. But gosh, to hear that was rough. I cried, and moped.... I'm a bit worried, but I'll figure something out. I hope.

Tomorrow, I go in for orientation at Perspectives. I am excited, and nervous. I hope to make some friends?? The interview went great, and I'm pretty sure, I wooed the interviewer lady. But let's see how this goes... who knows.

So many events coming up for TNTT that I am super excited! I seriously can not wait.

Well. That's life at the moment for me.

Music

Your just someone I can't forget....

When I think about it... I don't know if I can forget about someone who has been apart of my life, and not to mention inspired me to be a better person. I can't seem to fall asleep, because he's running through my mind consistently. Lately, I've build trying to build m relationship with God, and I see myself growing and thirsting to understand his love for me... I can't complain. But at the same time, I can't help but not think about my ex. It's silly, but true. The little things, that he does... like my status, chats me, says to me... makes me get all nervous and jittery. When he speaks my face can't help but blsuh I love him still... I don't know what to do or how to stop. It feels as this is real, and won't fade but only stay. I wish I could move on, and pretend that nothing happened but I am not one to be like that. He was so great to me,....