So tired..

I find myself breaking down in moments of despair, stress, and unexplained emotions. My problems is I don't deal with my emotions. I suppress them... and when there are moments in life that stresses me out, or I am having a bad day, what I thought I had 'let go' or have 'forgotten' or 'put away" comes back to haunt me.

Ever since the surprise skype with my ex & friends... it left me shocked and in a way overwhelmed. Since this Monday, I've had a total of 9 hours of sleep, including naps. I've been waking up at 6:30, and going to be close to 3am due to the lingering thoughts that run across my mind. My body has not been helping either. I've been getting terrible migraines, feeling of vomiting, and my throat hurts. My body aches, and my back kills. I am so emotionally, physically, and mentally drained. To the point where I go to intern and my head is never there... I haven't focused on anything this week, and I feel like I am not doing what I was set to do. TO help these kids. I had gotten a call back, at DSW for a second interview. Thinking it was one on one- it turned out to be a group. Except with only 2 other girls. I was so exhausted, that I did not act myself. I barely smiled, my answers we all over the place, I had received no feedback nor praises. Which leads me to believe that I did terrible. I am so disappointed in myself. I did not act as, Kathy.. its my fault. For a moment I thought God was answering my prayers... but now, could it be my hard work, and patience are running down the drain?


I had a total melt down today. And to be honest, I've been trying to let my other friends know that I need help. But it's either I've approaced them wrongly, or I am not directly asking for help that I need. And right now, I feel like I need someone. That's why it's so hard to be away from my roommate. Living together, we basically confided in each other. I always knew who i could go to... I was so desperate that I was going to pick up the phone and call her. But to honest, that'd be very selfish of me. She's doing something great, and to make her worry... that's not fair.

I don't know. I'm so tired... tired with myself, my life. I'm exhausted. I don't want to feel. I don't want to THINK. I just want to be at peace with life/ myself.
God. Can't I just have that?