Relaxing Friday?

When I think about the person I am... I couldn't really give you a straight answer. Because truth is, I don't know. I aspire to be like many, but when it comes down to it, I am me. I visualize myself in 10 years, with a career that I love doing, hopefully settling down with my significant other. Basically, anyone's dream. School is really getting to me, and I think my grades are really slippin'. I have to start getting my act together, because time is running out. It's not that I can't do the things I've given during class, it's the fact that I have no motivation, anymore. But I'm not going to give up, I'm going to get things done. FIGHTING!

I catch myself thinking about him, alot.Every hour, every day, every week. To the point that My friend mentioned to me, that I bring him up every day. Wow, I'm pathetic. I think about him so much that he appears in my dreams. Last night, he was in my dreams, and reality slapped me right in the face. It's over. He's not with you anymore. I want to believe that I'm progressing, and I'm doing fine, but deep down the pain that I'm feeling ,hurts like a thousand knives that are stuck in my heart. As time moves forward, those knives, one by one, are taken out. Some days, they don't leave, and I start the process all over again. It feels like a never ending cycle, really. I thought he was the 'one' for me. He'd go to medical school, I'd go to med school or do nursing, we'd live our lives-together. I sound so naive, but that's what I was led to believe. The dream that i envisioned with him, was beautiful. Sometimes I feel like I lay my heart out for my my significant others, and even my friends. I'm always willing to walk that extra mile, to make sure the ones I love get what they need. Sometimes, i tell myself, "why don't you worry about yourself", and I never seem to answer it. I claim that I am mature enough to understand 'life', but really, I'm naive as naive gets. I just don't know what to anymore, and where to hide my emotions. i know my friends are always there for me, along side them I have my family as well, but I always feel when I bring up the same situation, I feel as though I'm bothering them more than anything. Blahh, love sucks. Go die in a hole.

Tomorrow, I get to lead Chau aka Adoration for church. I'm really excited, yet quite nervous. Time is ticking, and maybe I'm not ready!!! Next week for sure will be hell, but I can do this! i can do this!


Note to the man upstairs:
God,
I know you are always with me, guiding me. 
You've died on the cross for our sins, and yet I can't ever seem to do anything right.
I get selfish, always thinking about myself. 
Give me the strength to live in your name.
Amen.

Ta ta for now...