My life, at the moment ,

Summer has officially started, and for the first few weeks it's been quite busy, for me. I am taking a breather, doing what I do best. Being lazy. Poop. For the first few weeks, I had a little church things I had to do, and then it was the Ephata retreat. The is probably the one retreat, that I have been looking foward to all year! There's just something so special, about it. The whole process the kids go through within three days, is truly life changing. I was fortunate enough to have been able to attend all three days. I don't know why, but gosh, I was too touched in so many ways by the holy spirit. When the feet washing came, I was so nervous. It wasn't even my confirmation. As I stood out at the door, I heard Anh Tam share his story... for the first time. I found him to be so admirable to come out, and share. It made me realize that my family may not be perfect, but we are family. Blood and flesh, and no matter what, that will never change. It will only stay consistent. That whole day, was very emotionally draining... I witnessed these kids being touched in so many ways, that i could feel it. After bawling so much, I started to fold the wet towels, and as I stood there, I stopped. I told my friend, I'm going to run into chapel for a bit. I got in the room, and kneel down to him. I just cried, and talked to Jesus. It had been so long. But it felt so right, as I cried the happiness, and sadness that I had been keeping inside for so long, I just asked him to watch over me. I told him everything. and how I was sorry for the things I've sinned. Everyone made fun od me for walking out with a red face lol. Anyways,  I don't know, but it was special day/ That's all I'm going to say... that weekend I had met a few new people and had gotten closer to a few. Wow, they are so amazing. They are always telling me that I am their motivator, their inspiration, but I can not take any credit.. because they were the ones who motivate me to better myself. I caught myself sharing some of my painful moments, and hearing and opening my hearts to others. It was amazing, so relieving. After the retreat was over, I came home and recieved all these kind messages from my friends and even my ex. It was so sweet.

I hear that my ex wants to talk to me again. After 9 months, and he wants to talk. A part of me says,  talk to him because deep down I want too, but then again, my feelings for him is like we just met just yesterday. So he did chat me, and we spoke briefly. It was nice. I saw him at jenny's confirmation, and as excited as I was to be there and to be her sponsor, I was excited to see him. I wanted to hug him, and let him know that joy I was feeling, how amazing it felt to be someone's sponsor. But I couldn't. I had to contain myself. I feel like there are still things he is holding back, and has not said to me. Then again, I feel the same way. I don't really know what to make of things, or what I should think. I'm just not going to hope on anything, and stay opened minded.  Blah, I don't know.

Becky had been having troubles, and she came over to my house . It was nice to see a familiar face from school, and all we did was talk.  It was great to just have one another, and talk about everything. That's the one thing, I am so blessed for- friends. Everyone, has been has too great too me, and sometimes I feel like I don't deserve the,, at all. No matter how far, or how close I know that they will always be there for me. So thank you, guys. Thank you for being so wonderful!! I love you all!!!



 

One year down, and more to go...

My first year of college, is done and over. It was definitely, an unforgettable experience. I've built many friendships, and even lost a few. Gained knowledge and understanding, and opened my mind to newer things. There were ups, and downs but in the end... it is what it is.


Throughout the year, I've come to build strong friendships with a few girls at my school. The bond that we've created truly is special, and the girls I've met have def, impacted my life. I hope you girls know that I love you all! Thank you for everything you have done for me. It means the world, to know that I have your support and happiness towards everything I do. 

I dated a guy, for a year and half, till this day I still feel as though he is the one for me... it's been rough, and hard. Till this day, i am still trying to heal, and i am not over him. But I have faith that God has a plan, and things will be okay. IF we are meant to be, I know we will have a chance again. I do. 

 Saying goodbye to my friends was so hard, and to say goodbye to my roommate was harder. Living with her everyday, and then having to stop was blah.But she knows how I feel, and Sarah thank you for everything you've done for me. I truly appreciate you, and everything! I think it's really weird, and very special  that I got to meet someone like my roommate. Words can't express how much I love her, and sometimes I also want to shove a sock down her throat. Not literally of course, but she has helped me to grow, and i couldn't have done it without her!

Summer is here, and i want to be proactive as possible! I recently got an email to go in for an interview with this program called perspectives, and i am super excited! I also am planning on doing the Big sister, big brother program as well! I hear its really rewarding, and I can't wait! Hopefully, things will plan out as I prayed! Recently, my best friend had share that she felt god was calling her, and all i could say was ...'wow'. I know that everyone has a calling, but to have God call her specifically is very special. I knew there was something different about her, when I first got to know her, but all i can say is... girl, just keep opening your heart, and if he is truly calling you...be prepared. Frankly i think she willl do great in all that it is god has set out for her to do. Lately for myself, I too , have been focusing on God more. I realized that I want to learn so much more about what God has to offer, and how blessed and lucky i am to receive his unconditional love. I want to become less boy crazy, and "

"A womans heart must be so into God,a man must seek God to find her"  

that's what i want, I want to give myself to god, before I can really think about a significant other. AS for now, i just want to put my focus on something more than myself, but to help others. So here is to 2011! yay!

I'm trying to move on

"I’m trying really hard not to cry over you
because every tear is just one
more reminder that I don’t know how to let you go.
It’s only after someone is gone do you
realize how much you miss them…
My friends are always telling
me to move on, to give up.
But why? Why should I?
They don’t see you the way that I see you.
They don’t look into your eyes and see the world.
Why would they understand?
They can’t possibly imagine what
it means to look at your best friend
and see all their hopes and dreams come true.
I wish for once, just once,
they could walk a mile in my shoes.
But they wouldn’t need to walk that far,
they would just take one step and suddenly,
they would take back every bit of
‘getting over you’ advice they had
ever given me and realize you’re my life,
you were meant for me,
and that moving on or giving up is simply not an option.
You never really stop loving someone.
You just learn to try to live without them
I really think there’s a reason that I love her so much.
Like something is telling me not to let her go.
Every time I follow my heart… it leads me to her.
I mean… what other explanation is there.
Why is it that she is all I can think about?
Why is it that no matter how upset I am…
I see her and I can’t help but smile?
Why is it that when she smiles at me…
I get that feeling in my stomach?
And even when she’d broken my heart,
and hurt me as much as anyone could ever hurt me…
when she lied to me… and I hated her…
why then did I still feel those same feelings?
Answer me that, and then I’ll tell you
why I let her hurt me so much.
Don’t keep running back to the
one person that you need to walk away from.
If I can’t have you, at least i was able to know I had you.
Someday you’ll know, that I was the one for you.
No one realizes the beauty of love, until you lose it.
If the human body can live with food and water,
then why does it feel like I can’t live without you"

Life at the moment

Finally, back to school. With less than three weeks left, and its all winding down very quickly. I am tired, and quite honestly sad that my first year is over. Easter Break was very relaxing, and not  mention filled the church events. I ended up going to all 4 services, and I enjoyed each and every one of them. Sitting with my friends, and my family. It's been tough, because I saw him. I miss him so much, and it seems like i'm going through these withdrawals . I start to blame myself for there is no friendship. I feel like it was because of me, that pushed 'what could  of  been' away... and now, i'm paranoid, and my emotions are fucking me over. (excuse, thy language) Being able to be back on fb is nice. I feel like i am no longer an outcast anymore, haha. But at the same time, it gives me the excuse to go to his page, all the time. He's probably stressed out with all he has going on, but I believe in him. As for the rest, God has a plan.

I've been spending quite some time with my church friends. I like the fact that I'm not always hanging around the same group of people all the time. I like it. I feel like these guys will be my friends forever, and i just feel it now.
I can't speak to them about every aspect of my life, and I feel like they will be able to understand/relate due to the fact we are so similar. On top of that, my friend Becky and I have gotten really close as well. Heck, she's one of my best friends here. Technically, my other 'twin' or so I claim. It was good being able to talk to her. It's funny, cause everything that's running through her mind, or when we both are really confused,  we get to share all those moments together. Which makes it fun. I know how badly she wants to get into the U, and just start the life she deserves so I'm praying for you Becky! Follow YOUR dreams, don't let people tell you what you can or can not do, because in the end.. YOU are your own person. :)

Lately, I've been reevaluating myself. Like they say, "you are your worst critique"... any who...I don't know why, but it's like I'm not content with who I am at the moment. I feel I could strive so much more to better myself. I start of think about what it is I want to do with my life, and as of now I'm feeling education. At first I thought maybe medicine. How great would it be to save a life, cure those who need it, or be able to help someone every single day... it's not that I can't do that through education but I do get a different vibe. After reading a friend's blog everything she had written made sense. I do know why I want to be teacher. I know. I want to be able to give these the assurance that I  believe they can do anything. I will say, I am not the smartest little light bulb out there, but gosh, I know the hurt of having no one believing in you, or thinking you will make something of yourself. Well they are wrong! I know what I am capable of, and to be quite honest, I know what I am good at. My heart is telling me to step on the gas, and go forward with my decisions.

Another note before I conclude... lately I've been getting these negative vibes. People are very mean, and really need to watch their jokes. It's not as funny as they assume it to be. It's quite rude. I am very blunt, and real but it's not to the point where I will go out of my way to confront someone of something very little. If they cross the line, I am not afraid. I tolerate many things, and many people, but when you go to show your true colors, then think again. Sometimes, I will never understand the way people act... be real, be you.

I can't do it anymore..

It's been 7 months, and honestly, I can't deal with this anymore. 

EAsTer BREAK! (EAT BREAK)

Easter Break, is finally here. I can finally relax, for now! Lets see... last night I stayed at school with two of my friends. We went to the mall, and I found the cutest pairs of shoes! I wanted them so badly, but they were 32.80. Darn it. Instead, I bought a pair of gladiator for 10 bucks. What a steal! I think so. Afterwards we head back to school, and Sarah and I hung out in room for the rest of the night. We watched PS I LOVE YOU, and about half way through the movie it paused, and Sarah and I ended talking till 2 in the morning. That's probably the one thing I love about my roommate. The fact that we can talk about everything, and for a while it was really nice. Yeah, she's my best friend, but at the same time she's like a sister I've never had as well. It was just really good bonding time. We talked about everything. It was brought to my attention that some people may view me as narcissistic. At first I was a bit offended,  but I'm okay with it now. I feel like when it comes to certain people, they view me as this girl, who think she's better than others, maybe thinks too highly of herself. Truth of the matter is I am not like that at all! I'm quite good at reading people, and just by the way people act I know the person they are. I distance myself away from people whom are selfish, or stray away from people who don't know what respect is. I try to surround myself with positive and admirable people. There are very few people who can read me. I'm not just an open book. I am well reserved, and I like that. Those who do know me, can say otherwise. It's a shame people perceive me like that. Because if you really got to know this girl, you'd be surprised. I don't need to explain myself to anyone,really. Last night Tofu and I talked we brought up relationship issues, and how men keep their relationship going, when they are at there 'lost and confused' staged. WTF, for a while I was frustrated with him and his reasoning that I wanted to punch someone in the face... it made me realize that I don't think I'll be having a man soon. As far as liking Tofu goes, right now, I'm having doubts. Not because I'm afraid to start a relationship but the fact that he's just not ready to be with anyone right now. I can understand that, and I want to try my best to get over my ex before anything.

I accidentally told him..." I'm glad not all guys are like you guys", and then felt really dumb for saying that. He then stated that it was a very ignorant comment. I didn't say much after. Maybe it was wrong to even start that convo, but at the moment I was so heated I couldn't contain myself. Whatever, it is what it is.Boys are so dumb.

Tonight I'll be going to mass, and I am excited. Can't wait for Easter too. It'll be nice since I'll be at home with my family, and that's the best part.

Listen to you heart.

After reading Becky's blog about her talking about the movie 'Listen to your heart', I caved in and watched it. It started off like any other typical romance movie. The holding hands, carrying the woman, kissing too much- all that corny stuff. But after watching the whole thing, I got out so much more than I expected. Yes, other than love.

Inspiration. 

This movie inspired me to follow my dreams. Life has no limitations, only opportunities, and its up to us to go after the things we want. To not be afraid of all the potential or gifts you've been blessed with, but to embrace them, and aim for something far beyond what you've imagined. Be determined.Strive. Succeed.

Positivity.

There are many people whom are suffering/ dealing/ or even overcoming obstacles. Despite it all, some chose to be positive, and look at life through a different perspective instead of resenting the world of the flaws/mistakes/problems that they encounter. I truly admire them. 

Genuine People.

Regardless of all the horrible people, I truly believe there are those few who are genuine about the person they truly are. Who have good intentions, other than themselves.

Friendship.

Knowing you have a person to confide in, or someone who is there for you, is probably one of the best things a friend can do. There will always be those few whom will be close to your heart. 

Kindness.

Everyone needs compassion, followed by kindness. I hate that us as human beings are so selfish. We lack respect, and forget to treat others correctly, but yet we expect to be treated better than the rest. 

Love.

Love comes in many forms, and through many ways. Whether action, or words. True loves means being able to sacrifice, and understand one another. To forget about what's on the surface but rather to digging deeper. It's not about how many times you can show your love (making out) and what not.... but being able to keep the emotion/feeling going with that person, and growing more emotionally with one another.

In the movie, Danny definitely had made an influence on me. He opened his heart to a deaf girl, and fell in love with the person she was. He motivated those around him to never give up, and to be open with endless possibilities that life has to offer! He stayed strong after his mother's death, with no resentment or anger towards the world. He gave the needy a chance, and believing that they too, had potential to better there life. After being diagnosed with cancer, little did he know that time was running out. He proved to live his life to the fullest, and left the world peacefully. He chose not to let the ones he love see him die, but rather leave the world reminding them that even he's gone, he's still there.He's the living proof of the person I hope to become one day. He impacted many, with all of his offerings.I hate the fact that life is unfair and that Bad things always happen to good people. It makes me wonder why God dos this... I am so emotional right now....